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The drawer of shame.
My diet has reached an all time high of gluttonous gluttony. I just caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror after doing my: wake up in the middle of the night angry because people aren’t practicing social distancing / go to the bathroom / check on my kids routine, and I didn’t even recognize…
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Leave the Karens alone already.
Here are some sayings that need to go. And before you get all mad and need to calm down over a glass of wine, I admit that I catch myself saying them and even annoy myself. 1. Anything “Karen”. Leave Karens alone already. Go ahead, start calling the women who want to see a manager…
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Imagine
The night before last, my family and I were having dinner and my boys were saying how happy they were that the Easter bunny came around the neighborhood to give out candy. They were also wondering if he would still show up that night to hide the eggs we dyed even though the Corinavirus is…
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Pick a shoe and wear it.
I don’t know who’s worse: People who think rules don’t apply to them or the pathetic followers who are so scared that they won’t be liked or included that they go along with them even though they know better. I pick the latter. My reasoning is because the first set of people are too stupid…
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Laughs Rule Everything Around Me (L’R.E.A.M)
I hate the news. I hate it’s scare tactics, the dramatic background music, the bullshit feel-good story at the end trying to say, “Hey, what we just showed you for the past hour is as awful as we could possibly make it, but here’s a story about sidewalk chalk drawings to make you feel better…
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B is for buh-bye.
I really want to get on board with this sidewalk chalk movement. The boys and I took a walk yesterday and it was so nice to see all the sweet messages written to make others feel better in this dark time. The problem is, I really really hate chalk. The feel of it, the dust;…
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¡Yo Querio Taco Bell!
Yesterday was Taco Tuesday (or Tac Tue as I like to call it) and we wanted to support the economy by getting Taco Bell. Since we live in a time that I’ve often dreamed of – where fast food is delivered straight to your door, that’s what we decided to do. We’re also taking social…
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Can we please stop saying The Shawshank Redemption is our favorite movie?
Even if it is. I love that movie. I’ve often put it on my list of favorite movies. But I do have to tell you that when I did, a little voice inside me said, “If I put Shawshank Redemption on this list, they’re going to think I’m smart and cultured…” Now don’t get all…
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Game 6.
PJ must have needed his baseball fix yesterday because he put on a show from 2013 where Mookie Wilson and some other guys were dissecting Game 6 of the 1986 World Series between the Mets and the Red Sox. I watched it with him because I was procrastinating on paying bills and pulling weeds, but…
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This is fine. This is all just fine.
I hate feeling peer-pressured into watching a show because everyone else is watching it. Is FOMO still a thing anymore? Because I’m having it with Tiger King. We started it the other night but I kept falling asleep. * side note: I tried to blame falling asleep during every tv show on my hefty schedule…
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What are we? Humans? Or animals? Or savages?
I learned from Teacher Teara that my behavior as of late has a name: Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD), which means that when the whole world is trying to tell me what I should be doing, I go in the opposite direction. When this happens, I usually end up coming to my senses and doing things…
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With the lights out, it’s less dangerous.
Here we are now, entertain us. I feel stupid, and contagious. Here we are now. Entertain us. I remember the first time I saw the Smells Like Teen Spirit video. I was sitting in my Aunt Diana’s living room on one of her big, brown, furry couches that you could sink into. There was a…
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Pretty pretty pretty good.
I’m trying my hand at Twitter and it’s very confusing. I always say I’m old but Twitter makes me feel like I’m Jessica Tandy, and Wilfred Brimley and I are about to go for a swim. I have 9 followers on there. I feel like I’m back in junior high and no one was in…
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Be yourself. By yourself.
I always considered myself an introvert, or perhaps an extroverted introvert, in that I can be social but I sooo prefer to be alone or with my close circle wayyy more than I like to be in crowds or with large groups of people. But I never realized how introverted I am until the Coronavirus…
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There’s another man.
Ok, if I were a reader of my blog instead of a writer of my blog, I’d most likely be rolling my eyes by now thinking, “We get it, she loves her husband 🙄 He’s a great dad 🙄 Did she really tell us she wanted to ‘jump his bones’ last time? 😳🙄 Yes, we…
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Write drunk, edit sober.
I believe Ernest Hemingway said that. So if a literary great like Hemingway said it, I’m going to give it a try. I came home from a stressful day at work. Stressful not because of the work I was doing but because of the CORONAVIRUS! NOVID-19! news I was being bombarded with from everywhere all…
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Don’t judge.
So here I am again. I can’t sleep. It’s 4am… I got the Hasenpfeffer ale, I got nothin to lose so I’m pissin’ on the 3rd rail…(sorry, slipped into Beastie Boys mode for a sec. It’s really 4am though. The bags under my eyes are going to look extra cute tomorrow. Stop That Train wasn’t…
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She doesn’t give a F…
I talk about my sister Teara a lot on here. Mostly in a mocking way, but only because I know she can take it and will laugh right along with me. See, Teara was the queen of not giving a fuck before not giving a fuck was cool. Once when I was a little buck-toothed,…
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Ain’t nobody gonna breaka my stride.
Nobody gonna hold me down. Oh no. I got to keep on movin’. Welcome to my brain where every song turns into an ear worm. My kids have been singing this ‘80s classic for the past week because it’s a TikTok sensation. I googled the song to find out who sang it and was shocked…
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Peace be with you, Tiffany.
When I set out to write this blog, I never intended for it to be so much of me reminiscing about my childhood, but since I never forget anything (blessing & a curse) and some of it’s too funny not to share, why not? Plus, it’s my bloggy and I’ll do what I want to,…
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Tiffy say relax.
I consider myself a good mother. Pretty kick-ass actually, but not in the traditional “good mother” ways. We’ve already established that I don’t cook, (well I’ll make them pancakes if they beg long enough), and I probably should have more rules when it comes to electronics. But these boys know that we love them more…
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From North Babylon to the Bahamas.
Cool story bro, time. Particularly for my North Babylon friends. I was sitting on the sea shore watching my kids play in the water when an older woman asked if I knew if we were in the Atlantic or the Caribbean. I said I thought Caribbean but said she’d be better off asking my 7…
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You’re calling me dumb but you can’t even put on a seatbelt.
We just came off a 4-day Disney Cruise to the Bahamas. Before I post 100 pictures to not-so-humble brag about the absolutely perfect, completely magical, utterly blessed, with not one single meltdown or fight the entire time of our vacation on Facebook, I figured I’d document our 9-hour road trip back to Huntersville. The title…
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She’s ugly.
I talk a lot about people I think are hot other than my husband: Post Malone, Shakira, Mary’s blind then not blind husband on LHOTP, James Franco, Wilmer Flores (I also love him because he’s a man who’s not afraid to show his emotions and his favorite TV show is Friends and it’s how he…
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I want your sex.
Oooh I bet that got your attention didn’t it? Well I’m actually referring to the song by the wonderful, boody-shaking George Michael. You know, the song that came out in 1987. When I was a doofy, bucktoothed, mulleted 10-year-old, singing at the top of my lungs with my even doofier bucktoothed, tightly-permed sister who was…
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Club Couch & Bar Bed.
When I ask my friend Coletta what she’s doing over the weekend, 99% of the time she says, “Club Couch & Bar Bed.” (I think she’s already copyrighted it so don’t even bother.) It didn’t register that it should be my weekend mantra until she said it a few times. Actually, it should be my…
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There are no stupid questions. FALSE. There are many stupid questions.
While driving my oldest to school the other day I asked, “Are you excited about starting gym class?” His response – and bear with me as I try to spell this – was: “Mmmnahno” (the inaudible version of “I don’t know”) and the tone he used was as if I’d just asked him what the…
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Kobe.
Why does this feel like such a gut punch? I barely followed his career. I was at a roller skating party when I heard and I thought it was a hoax. When I found out it was true it felt surreal and it still does. When I got home PJ was wearing the Bryant jersey…
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Oh you’re mature.
Recently during a heated debate, one of my snide remarks elicited an, “Oh you’re mature.” from someone who is at least 10 years younger than me. I told him that if he meant it as an insult, I’d be the first to tell him that I am definitely not mature. Thank God. I’m not saying…
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