Category: Uncategorized
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Things I’ll miss & things I won’t.
I was going through old files and found this. I wrote it 8 years ago. I can picture my youngest’s rough little voice, and it’s true that my oldest now has a stubbly, scratchy cheek like his dad 🥲 I’m so happy I wrote it down and didn’t trash it because I completely forgot about…
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My memory, a blessing and a curse.
I remember everything. When friends and family can’t recall details of something that happened 30 years ago, they ask me. This is the blessing part. But with a really good memory, you can’t pick and choose the things you actually want to remember and the things you don’t. This means that every little embarrassing thing…
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Love them no matter what.
A wise Biff once told me, “Whenever you’re doing something out of love, it’s always the right thing.” This was advice she’d given me when I asked if she thought I was fucking up my kids. In this day and age, mental health issues are so much more prevalent than they’ve been in the past.…
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Y’all are doing it all wrong.
When I drove to work yesterday, the roads were less congested than usual. I figured it’s because parents like me, whose kids start school on Monday, took these last few days to vacation before the school-time chaos ensues. To these parents I say: you’re doing it allllll wrong. I know for A FACT that I’m…
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Tito, you dirty son of a bitch. I love you.
I once read that bartenders HATE when people order dirty martinis. They consider it pretentious because they don’t believe someone could actually like the way it tastes, and it’s sacrilegious to destroy a good gin with olive juice. To that I say: pish posh. However, this post proving bartenders wrong might be a moo point…
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Soup in the shower.
I was talking to my friend Amy the other day and she asked about my kids. The conversation began with the average, run-of-the-mill, “They’re good.” and somehow turned into a competition of whose kids are lazier. Spoiler alert: Mine are. They’re lazy as shit. Wait, let me back up. My oldest and youngest are lazy…
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A letter to my beloved husband.
This morning I washed my face and after drying it, looked in the mirror. Little did I know, PJ had creeped up behind me. He stood on his tippy-toes with his arms above his head and hands shape like claws. He bulged his eyeballs out of their sockets and snarled, showing all his teeth. When…
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Al Pacino.
Ever since my kids stumbled upon the “Dunk-a-chino” scene in Adam Sandler’s movie Jack & Jill, they’ve been a little obsessed. I can’t explain it in all it’s glory, so here it is: Amazing, right? They randomly sing it during the day. I get up to pee and it’s playing in my mind at night.…
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You can’t play Stairway in guitar stores.
This is a well-known piece of information. It’s because the song is sooo long. In fact, it began playing on my way to my parents’ house yesterday and it’s still on. I kid, I kid. But in reality, I got to their house, turned off the car, went inside, chit-chatted for a bit, my kids…
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Anna Mae.
On weekday mornings, PJ and I alternate dropping off our son at Teara’s in exchange for our nephew. It’s a routine we’ve done all year and it works in getting the lads off to their schools on time. Our youngest always comes with us. His day doesn’t start for another hour, but he still likes…
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Be kind! Be kind! Be kind!
In the voice of Chandler Bing when Ross Gellar keeps telling him to PIVOT!: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UPPPPPP!!!! I challenge you to take notice of the people who shout the “Be kind” mantra from the mountaintops. You will ultimately see, as I have, that the majority of people who say this, are the…
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Cock-a-doodle-doo.
I don’t know much about the ins and outs of slander laws, so even though this story is entirely true, I’m not going to tell you the name of the company I am writing about. I will, however, let you know that this company has some shady friggin business practices. Let’s call them, “Mac-PayUs-AFee”. Picture…
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If I had a girl.
My kids are so mean to me. I ask them every day to tell me who they like and all they do is give me a nasty look and say NOTHING. I tell them all the time that I thank God for giving me all boys – the only exception being when they won’t tell…
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Hi, I’m Tiffany and I’m a Disney Person.
In 2 days, PJ and I will be married for 17 YEARS!! 17 years ago when we were young and too cool, I was the type of person who vowed that when I had kids, we would never be “Disney People”. I don’t really need to explain this, right? We all know who “Disney People”…
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In the blink of an eye.
Last weekend I was cleaning and listening to a book on my “noise-canceling” (yeah right) headphones. All of a sudden I heard my youngest screaming so loud that after about 10 seconds, I almost yelled, “Shut up! I can hear you through my headphones!!” (Don’t judge me for talking to my kids this way. They…
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Doesn’t every parent think their kids are phenoms?
You guys aren’t sick of me bragging about my husband & kids all the time, are you? Ok good. I’ll continue. Between my 3 boys, they can play: the trombone, guitar, drums, bass, and keyboard. Not only do they play, but can do so without sheet music (except for the trombone), and while singing. Ok…ok……
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Be THAT guy!
I just watched an Instagram video where 3 little boys stacked up a bunch of solo cups in front of their front door so when their dad came home from work, he’d crash into them. The mom was videotaping when he walked in and he saw the cups before going through them. So he went…
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I got a fever…
In between pancake-making and explaining the differences of a circumcised penis vs. an uncircumcised penis, my son asked if he could get steel drumsticks and a cowbell, along with acoustic drums for his birthday. I barely processed the drums and steel drumsticks part because as a person whose personality was molded by 90’s Saturday Night…
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A lesson in moving to the south.
PJ and I moved to North Carolina after getting married almost 17 years ago. We came to the realization that we could have such a better life here. I love the saying ‘Leap and the net will appear’, and it sums up all the greatest things we’ve ever done together. Moving to NC was one…
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A Tiffany Epiphany
I was talking to my Biff yesterday and I swear I came up with the simplest reasoning as to why the REAL greatest generation … aka moi generation, aka the X generation – is, for the most part, the least racist generation. See, I’ve been accused of being “woke” in the past, and it wasn’t…
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I love Drew Barrymore!
Always have, always will. I loved her in E.T. as Gertie, the OG “scream into the camera at the top of your lungs” kid. (Macauley Culkin, who?) One of my first vivid memories is from 1982 when I SOBBED at the end of E.T. My mortified parents ushered me quickly through the side door of…
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A love letter.
A long time ago, while fishing for praise, I jokingly said to my mom, “Are you proud of me?” Her response, “I’m always proud of you.” The answer knocked me for a loop because it was so unexpected. To this day, it pops into my mind and always elicits the same warm feelings in my…
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Save the complaints for party conversation…
The world… is loaded… it’s lit to pop and nobody is gonna stop. Those lyrics from Jane’s Addiction’s song Stop! have been resounding in my head since I drove to work last week when it came up in my shuffle. It was then that I realized what Perry Farrell (Peri-pharel? I heard that’s why he…
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Ch-ch-changes 🎶
As much as I’d like to think I’m going to stay youthful forever, the fact is, women go through menopause, or as many call it, “their changes.” For men who have never been enlightened on the subject (due to the fact that even though every woman since the dawn of time has menstruated, we’re taught…
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The Grinch who hates The Grinch.
Ever since I can remember, my Pa has hated, HA-TED the movie, How The Grinch Stole Christmas! Folklore says it’s because the TV station played it one December evening instead of the show he really wanted to watch. I get it… sort of. I’d be a bit perturbed if after a long day, I settled…
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Little sisters can be traumatizing too.
There’s a thing called the “Older sibling trauma” trend on TikTok. I saw one yesterday of a girl telling how she and her sister would play “Spice Girls” except her sister got to be all the Spice Girls and made her be the fans trying to jump on stage. Her sister would kick her to…
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Chicken Viola!
When I was in college and had to choose a major, I thought, “I really like advertising. I think that’s the degree I’ll go for.” I always loved ads and commercials. I’d even make jingles for my own life (you may recall the Sizzler steakhouse banger I told you about in a previous blog). Even…
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46 things I’m grateful for.
Tomorrow is my 46th birthday. Sure, getting old sucks sometimes. Especially when I feel like the same person I was in my twenties. Not physically, but mentally. If I had a time machine, I could go back to the days of driving around with my friends, smoking and listening to Biggie Smalls. We’d pull up…
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Hi, I’m awkward. Nice to meet you.
Last night we took the boys out to dinner to celebrate how well they did first semester. We’ve been trying to curb our spending, but I’m a firm believer in TYS – Treat Yo Self, and so is PJ. Well holy moly, if I didn’t notice inflation before, I certainly do now. That is, by…
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SHUT UP!
Rude, right? When we hear our kids say this we’re supposed to reprimand them and tell them it’s not nice, right? Well I applauded my son the other day for saying it to his classmate. He told me a student was reading aloud and the little shithead next to him kept huffing and puffing because…
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