I’m reading Anna Karenina right now. Ok, ok, I’m listeningggg to Anna Karenina right now. I have to point that out because PJ says listening to a book is not the same as reading it. I say, screw you, nerd, at least I’m consuminggg literature.

I can’t read with my eyeballs because I’ll go from top to bottom of the page and realize I didn’t pay attention to a single word I read.

This might be an ADHD thing but I don’t think I have ADHD. Maybe I just get bored easily.

Like my son in 5th grade. The teachers said he probably had ADHD. I got the doctor note and he was put on a 504 plan. They put special allowances in place for his “disability”.

When he was about to graduate from middle school I said, “Honey, we have to go over your 504 before you go to high school. Is there anything you want to change?” He said, “I don’t think I need it. I think the problem before was that I wasn’t interested so I didn’t listen, but now I do.” Huh. Well, ok…

I know a lot of people who “have ADHD”. I just found out that in order to be diagnosed there’s a pretttyyy loosely-goosey list of things that you must adhere to.

I bet if I took the test and told them I can’t read a whole page without my mind wandering, I’d be diagnosed as well.

But maybe, just maybe, I’m reading a really boring, badly-written, shit book. And trust me, there are a ton of them out there. (Note: It’s entirely possible that I’m just jealous because I never wrote a book and every time I try, I give up.) but seriously, the majority of popular modern books suck. Badly.

Back to the original intent of this post… I turned to Tolstoy to see what “classic” literature consists of.

The book is THIRTY-FIVE FUCKING HOURS LONG. I chose the one read by Maggie Gyllenhaal (I may have added or left out some vowels there, but I’m too lazy to fact check her name. Sorry Mags) because I like her voice and some of the other iterations were like FIFTY FUCKING HOURS LONG.

There were 3 reasons I chose this book besides the aforementioned fact that most modern books today are shit:

1. It was free in audible and didn’t cost me my precious monthly credit. I’ve been listening to this book for so long now that I actually built up 2 free credits in my library! By the time I’m done with this albatross, I’ll be able to read – sorry, listennn – to like, 5 shitty 7 hour books for free!
2. I wanted to sound like a hot-shot brilliant brain and tell people I read Tolstoy and actually mean it. Unlike some people who pretentiously line their bookshelves with fancy titles so people think they’re smart, but you know they never really read the books.
3. I needed to see what the fuss was about.

As for #3, I get it, but I also don’t.

The more gossipy, romance parts are interesting, but the politics and agriculture parts are kind of boring and a little hard to follow.

Sometimes I have to skip back 10 seconds and listen again to comprehend what the hell they’re talking about.

But the reason I do get it, is because even translated into English, the writing is gorgeous. Never in a million years could I fathom putting a sentence or description together the way he does.

That being said, it could’ve been shortened to 20 hours instead of 35.

Speaking of 20 hours, that’s how much I have left of this book. That means I’ve already listened for FIFTEEN hours.

And guess what… I spoiled the friggin ending for myself.

I googled, “Why is Anna Karenina so long?” The answer was that Leo Tolstoy wanted to give the entire picture of what was happening in everyday life at the time.

Mission accomplished ✔️

But then… then… my eyes wandered down the Google page and right there in front of me, in black & white, it told me the ending.

I won’t tell you what it is in case you’re dying to read (or listen) to a 35 hour book, and I probably should have guessed the ending by now, annnd… everyone out there is probably like “duh, who doesn’t know the ending of Anna Karenina (maybe? I don’t know.) but it was severely disappointing.

I feel like I’m a student stuck doing a school assignment but I’m also the teacher who won’t let me off the hook —- and now I just obliterated my payoff.

In 20 hours, when I’m done with this book, I’m going to watch the 2012 movie adaption.

I can’t wait to see how they squeeze 35 hours into 2 hours and 10 minutes. I bet they added the 10 minutes for the boring agricultural stuff.

I’m forcing PJ to watch it with me. He was crying about it at first but then I told him Keira Knightley & Alicia Vikander were in it and he quieted down. Then I also told him Jude Law was in it because man, woman, gay or straight… if you don’t appreciate the beauty of Jude Law, you’re just lying.