Teara and my brother-in-law Christian used to have a cat named Norman (RIP). For all intents and purposes (not “intensive purposes” like Doug Heffernan says), I did not like that cat.

Real talk – most cats can be assholes at times. Mine growing up, Rambo, loved to mess with everyone, even our sweet little princess pup Daisy.

You never really hear about cats messing with dogs, right? He would eat her food straight out of her bowl and she’d sit there patiently waiting for him to finish. I know he didn’t even like how it tasted; he’d just take a few bites to show her who was boss, then walk away.

My friends and I were trying to fall asleep after a night of partying once when Rambo or “Ram the nice puss” as we liked to call him, started acting very peculiar.

Even though he had never walked on my bedroom furniture before, that night, Ram must’ve known we were out of sorts, so he began prowling around my bedroom, slowly jumping from a stool … to my dresser … to the other dresser… acting so strangely that in hushed voices we finally said, “Stop it Rambo! Get out of here!! Stop being a dick!” as we hid under the covers 🤣

Did you ever call your cat a dick before? 🤣

I still think he was the coolest though. He was a handsome fella with a smattering of scabs and scars from his hobby of going into the woods and sauntering back out after a few rounds of Cat Fight Club.

Cheering him on as he strode past us victoriously, he’d give us a look like, “Yeah, I won.”

Keep your soft little cuddly cats & kittens! Rambo was such a manly puss that after we had him fixed, it appeared as though his balls grew back. He was basically the feline version of The Most Interesting Man in the World.

In other news… Norman was straight up MEAN. He was a beautiful, silky, black cat, with attitude for days and zero chill.

Although he gave me all the signs that he wanted to be left alone, I always tried to win him over. I’d coo at him and pet him but still, he never warmed up to me.

Like an idiot, I kept trying. I’ll never forget the time we were about to leave for Lollapalooza and he laid down in front of me like he wanted me to pet his belly.

“What do we have here?” I said, “Awww Norman is being so sweet. Sure, I’ll pet your tummy little Normy!”

After all that time, he finally liked me! He really liked me!!

Yeahhh … that son of a bitch sprang up and clawed me so badly that he actually hung on to my upper chest. He sunk his claws so deep into my flesh that it took me and those around me to pull him off.

Some years later, he jumped up and smashed a wine glass INTO an ex-boyfriend’s mouth while in mid-sip 😳 One minute my ex was enjoying a nice Merlot, the next he had a face full of glass shards. He didn’t fully know what hit him until he was rinsing blood & wine from his mouth.

While I’m sure Teara and Chris feel differently, I believe that Norman the Cat was evil incarnate. However …

I may not have liked him, but boy did I respect him. I learned the hard way that when someone (friend or feline) gives you signs to leave them alone, even if they’re suddenly acting sweet, you should probably pay attention to the warning.

Norman was the embodiment of the saying, Fuck around and find out. He definitely taught me a lesson.