People think my mother is this sweet little grandma lady. She is not. She’s actually a huge liar. Here are the things she’s lied to me about through my life.

– After watching the movie Jaws: Don’t worry, all sharks are behind a fence in the ocean.

– That’s not blood, it’s juice. As I stared into the refrigerated meat section in horror.

– If you pick your nose and eat it, your boogers will turn into worms and crawl out of your bellybutton.

– Her: “I caught the spider, it’s right here in this napkin.”

Me: “Let me see it.”

Her: “No.”

– Ew onions are disgusting!

I spent most of my life thinking onions were gross because of her; meanwhile they’ve always been delicious in every way.

– Sean Connery is not a wife beater!

– While driving my son to preschool he’d be nervous, so she told him after she drops him off she waits for him in the church the whole time so she’s close by. This is especially funny because My Mom + Church = 😂😂😂

– I can’t turn on the car radio, it’s broken. Probably so she didn’t have to listen to “that slut” Madonna.

– Burger King is too far. I’ll make you a burger that tasted exactly like a Whopper.

– I did not pay off your ex-boyfriend so he’d never come around again.

– She would hide Dove Ice Cream bars behind the liver so we wouldn’t find them and then eat them when we weren’t around. Not really a lie, but still.

– Hmmm … I don’t think I made enough food.

– Ok! Ok! I will limit the amount of cookies the kids eat after school.

Then I walk in her house and there’s a family-size package of Chips Ahoys on the kitchen table in the middle of 5 hungry boys and she’s no where to be found.

– A black line appears on your tongue when you lie.

I should’ve asked to see her tongue.