I related so hard to that kid in Mr. Mom when he sat at the top of the stairs with Michael Keaton and they talked about him giving up his woobie.

I had a woobie, but I called it my blankie. It started out as a tightly knit, pink 11”x17”ish rectangle with knotted tassels around the perimeter. By the time I gave it up, it devolved into 2 dirty patches held together by 3 long strings of yarn.

My blankie was in such bad shape because I took it everywhere. I was so upset about not being allowed to take it to kindergarten that Lol cut off a tassel and I put it in my pocket. I’d lie to Ms. Roche and say I had to use the bathroom so I could suck my thumb and rub the tassel on my face.

My thumb sucking/blankie using was a process. I sucked my left thumb and hooked my left index finger over my nose. (This is why my nose is crooked and has a bump.) Then I’d hold my blankie in my right hand and wrap a tassel around my right index finger so that the knot was on top of my finger. I’d rub that in a circular motion into the corner of my right eye. I even had a favorite tassel. Somehow I got glue on it and I liked that it wasn’t as soft as the rest of the tassels. So there I was, a nose-hooking, thumb-sucking weirdo, rubbing a tassel into my eyeball. And if I was really into a TV show and hadn’t moved in a while, I’d feel a tickle down my arm … and it would be drool 🤮 What a friggin hot mess 🤣😂🤣

I remember acting out the Mr. Mom woobie scene at the top of my stairs, thinking that it would somehow will me to give mine away too. It didn’t work.

I ended up getting rid of it after I declared myself too old to suck my thumb around 10 years old. I instantly regretted it and also pretty much instantly started sucking my thumb again. But this time, I’d cover my mouth with my hand so my family didn’t know I still sucked my thumb. I think I fooled them.

I often wonder if I wouldn’t have needed braces if I didn’t suck my thumb. I also wonder if my nose would’ve been perfectly straight and never would’ve prompted my little cousin Jonathan to stand under my face and ask, “Why does your nose go like this?” while zig-zagging his finger in the air. (It could’ve been worse, he could’ve measured my nose with a ruler like my little cousin Erin did to my Aunt Carmella 🤷🏻‍♀️😂)

My grandfather would’ve never stepped on my butt with his black patent leather shoes and say, “You want ketchup with that?!” in his gruff Brooklynese accent, then say I was too close to the TV and, “you’re gonna hoit (hurt) your eyes!!”

Then my Grandmother would’ve never yelled from the kitchen, “Leave her alone Joe!” in Italian. Ask Teara or my cousins what our Grandmother always said and you’ll hear, “LASALASTADA JOE!”

I guess the point of all this is, don’t let your kids suck their thumbs. It will cost you a ton of money in orthodontia and if they’re vain enough, they’ll need a nose job because they will possibly deform themselves.