Now we sip champagne when we thirstayyy 🎵

Just kidding. I drink water when I’m thirs-tay.

Ugh but birthdays are the worst days. Not in the “I’m so old let’s not celebrate my birthday” way. I am extremely grateful that God has granted me another year on this Earth.

No I’m talking about birthdays being the worst for anxiety-riddled extroverted-introverts such as myself.

I love feeling special and celebrating my birthday, but because of how I am, it’s hard to luxuriate in every aspect of it.

For instance:

The birthday phone calls. I’ve mentioned before that my arch nemesis is the telephone. I love and appreciate that people think of me and want to call and wish me a happy birthday, but my overthinking has me convinced that they only feel obligated to call and didn’t really want to. Then I think that they can’t wait to get off the phone, which in turn, makes me want to get off the phone. I realize I’m totally projecting, but either way, I feel very uncomfortable. Thank the Lord (or Mark Zuckerberg) for Facebook because that’s how I receive most of my birthday wishes now 🙏 Then I can just write “thank you” and call it a day. It’s not you, it’s me – seriously.

The Happy Birthday Song. I know I’m not the first person to touch on this, but ughh, what do you do when people are staring at you and singing 🎶 Happy birthday to you … Happy birthday to yewwww 🎶 It’s so awkward. Luckily, the older I get, it’s just my family and me and then I just scream-sing along with them or take the time to put some serious thought into my wish for blowing out the candles.

The receiving of the gifts. When I was in 3rd grade, I vividly remember sitting on the couch in our den with friends gathered around me as I opened my presents.

“Oh no. Is that a shirt box?” I thought to myself.

Now, I can get with any toy or game, but I was very particular when it came to my clothing. I still am. I actually had a physical reaction toward my hatred of buttons. Not just, “Yuck buttons look ugly.” I mean some psychological shit.

Did you ever see that Maury or Jerry Springer episode when the girl was afraid of pickles and they chased her around the studio with one? Some may think it was fake, but I believe it because I was almost on the same level with buttons.

Side note: Do you know anyone who overemphasizes the Ts in buttons and pronounces it but-tons instead of saying it like a normal person with soft Ts? That’s odd, right?

I hated buttons so much that Lol knew better and avoided them. If a shirt had decorative non-functional buttons, she knew to cut them off immediately.

Well there I was, staring at the stark-white box cover, anticipating what I’d find underneath.

Maybe it would be like the best gift I ever got in my life: a black, off-the-shoulder sweatshirt that had “Thriller” written across it in red sparkles, with a single white glove – also adorned with sparkles – just like Michael Jackson’s. Thank you Pam & Mrs. E 😘

Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.

I mustered up the biggest, fakest smile as I pulled back the tissue paper to find … a BUT-TON DOWN, DOO-DOO BROWN shirt, with a delicate FLOWER pattern and dainty RUFFLED collar.

Y’all. This is the stuff my nightmares were made of. Not only were there functional buttons down the entire front of the shirt, but it was my least favorite color, and I was the biggest tomboy you’d ever meet, so ruffles and flower patterns weren’t exactly my thanggg.

Even my communion dress was the absolute plainest thing I could find. Other girls went all out trying to look like brides and I would’ve preferred a flour sack.

Back to the shirt. And what I’m about to tell you – Teara makes fun of me for to this day.

I was so worried that the girl who gave me the shirt would be offended by my lackluster reaction, that I totally over-acted. (This is embarrassing but I’m going to tell you anyway.) I took the shirt out of the box, held it with both hands over my head the way Rafiki held the newly-born Simba in The Lion King, and I shit you not, released it to float down and land over my face like I was in Heaven over it.

Yes, I am cringing right along with you right now. It gets worse.

Because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, I wouldn’t let Lol return the shirt to the store and instead wore it to school ONE time so she would see me in it and think I really liked it. (That’s some serious Stella Adler method acting right there folks.)

I tried to make the shirt look a little sexier by imagining how Daisy from The Dukes of Hazzard would wear it (in 3rd grade 😳🤣) So I paired it with tight jeans – which, when I think about it, would probably make for a cute outfit today. But as a chunky 8-year-old with a boy haircut, I probably looked less like Daisy Duke and more like Luke Duke 😂

My birthday is coming up in November. Please know that I TRULY mean it when I thank you for the Facebook sentiments. It’s literally the best thing you could do for an awkward person like me 😂