I like to read parenting articles so I can think to myself, ‘Haha suckers. Been there, done that, and did it better.’

There are so many articles about what kids should eat, what’s an appropriate bedtime, how to get them to listen, blah blah blah … semi-helpful but also fully boring.

You rarely see important topics discussed like:

Foods your kids will actually eat so you don’t feel guilty because they only eat chicky nugs.

or

5 easy ways to get your child to leave you the hell alone.

or

Be careful! Thats’s NOT chocolate!

So I decided to share some of my infinite parenting wisdom on a subject that really matters:

Children’s cartoons that actually don’t suck.

I consider myself a connoisseur on the subject since I grew up watching The Chipmunks, Jem, and Beavis and Butthead.

Also because I’ve seen my fair share of suckage through my childrens’ horrendous choices. One word about sums it up:

Calliou. <shudder>

I know I’m not alone on this one. Google the word Calliou and countless articles pop up about how that whiny little shit is the absolute worst.

But now that they’re older, there are 3 shows my kids and I agree on 100%. We had an in-depth discussion ranking them just the other day. I’m not talking, “Well I guess I can tolerate it.” I mean, “Holy crap these shows are FUNNY.”

1. Clarence – It’s so perfect in trying not to be perfect. A typical TV family usually consists of a mom, dad, and 2-3 kids; but Clarence is an only child being raised by his mom and her husband who isn’t Clarence’s father. You never find out why Clarence’s dad isn’t there – he only addressed it once by saying, “I used to have a Dad, now I have a Chad.” (classic line, imo)

And Chad, unlike other shows where the stepdad is usually portrayed as a dick, is an awesome, chill dude that for some reason kinda looks like a dog.

Clarence’s friends are all unique and cool in their own way (big ups to Sean Giambrone who plays Adam on The Goldbergs and also voices Jeff.)

At the end of each episode, I always feel warm and fuzzy, but thankfully not in the Full House, “Let’s all hug it out” way 🙄

Personal favorite: The moss war episode. The use of the xylophone music at the end is from True Romance (or a complete rip-off of the Hans Zimmer song called True Romance that was made for the movie, which would make sense either way because Christian Slater’s character in that movie was named Clarence) and it is perfection.

2. Regular Show – Mordecai, Rigby and the rest of the Regular Show gang can only be explained by stating that the creators must have been tripping out on acid when they thought of them. The only reason it came in 2nd is because the learning lessons on Clarence are more consistent, but Regular Show is bananas in the best way.

They’ve done so many homages to ‘80s movies that it’s hard to keep track, but some are: Indiana Jones, Back to the Future, Nightmare on Elm Street – and not ‘80s but still awesome, Rushmore.

You may end up enjoying this show more than your kids.

Personal favorite: The Fist Pump concert episode. Specifically when Muscle Man rips off his t-shirt and whips it around his head yelling “See ya later Grandmas!!” Honorable mention goes to the crank call episode when they discover that the voice on the other end of the line is a giant phone/man.

3. Uncle Grandpa – Another drug-induced type of show, Uncle Grandpa is a cross between 1 & 2 in that it’s hysterical but there’s usually something to be learned. However, the basis of this show is annoyance. Not Calliou levels of annoying, but funny annoying. Hard to explain, but put it this way – his name is Uncle Grandpa yet he’s nobody’s uncle or grandpa. He says, “Good Morning!” no matter what time of day it is, and he wears a talking fanny pack named Belly Bag. You really just have to watch it to understand. I’ll be honest, you might really hate it, but one episode made me laugh so hard that I cried.

Personal favorite: When Mr. Gus fakes his death and Uncle Grandpa gives his eulogy. That’s when I laugh/cried.

I hope this helps you on your parenting journey. If nothing else, maybe it will serve as a warning to avoid Calliou at all costs. I wish someone would’ve warned me 😩