In one of my previous blogs I wrote about the culture I grew up in where a lot of kids knew they couldn’t go to their parents about something like being gay.

Another topic that was not openly discussed back in the day was mental health. Even now, although progress is being made, there’s still a stigma that goes along with it.

A few years ago I read about a girl in her first year at college. On the surface it looked like she had everything; she was smart, athletic, gorgeous, surrounded by friends and family who loved her – and one night, she jumped off the top of a parking garage to her death.

People questioned why someone with so much going for her would do something like that.

It’s because your brain doesn’t care if you’re beautiful or smart or wins races or has a lot of followers on Instagram.

Your brain can be an evil machine that plays tricks on you. It can make you believe that you’re worthless. It can convince you that the world would be better off without you. It can make you obsess over things that are so scary to you that you’d do anything to stop those thoughts.

I’ve been there before and it’s a dark, lonely place. I’ve never been suicidal, it was the exact opposite – I was terrified of dying and I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

It started after a bad relationship ended. I don’t know why my brain handled the stress that way, but I became obsessed.

I would be having a normal conversation, laughing even, and in my mind, I’d be thinking about how scared I was that one day I was going to die.

But it wasn’t something I felt comfortable discussing with my parents or anyone else. Not because they wouldn’t help me, but because I was afraid they’d think I was “crazy”.

I ended up taking it upon myself to go to the doctor and was prescribed an anti-depressant. I eventually weened myself off and I’ve never felt that way again.

Sure, death is still a scary topic for me, but I don’t obsessively and constantly think about it and live in a state of fear.

I look back at that time and think of how lucky I am. I felt like I was in this hole that I’d never be able to get out of. I find it amazing that with just a little help, I did.

People throw money toward every other cause except mental health. Why?

Because of the stigma?

Because it’s such a huge issue that people can’t get their arms around it?

I think a big reason is because the poster child doesn’t have a noticeable affliction that tugs at your heartstrings and makes people open their wallets.

The “look” of poor mental health is just, you, me or the crazy guy on the corner.

So because the “you” or “me” doesn’t want to be associated with the crazy guy on the corner, it’s much easier to just look past it and hope it goes away.

I’ve mentioned before about my self-diagnosed OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder.) I don’t say that lightly, I really have it. I recognized it when I saw the movie “As Good As It Gets” with Jack Nicholson.

In the movie, he would do these rituals that I completely understood. Like when he gets out of bed and does a little routine with his slippers.

I don’t do anything quite that orchestrated, I do “touches.”

For instance, when I leave my parents house, I need to tap on the electrical box outside their door. I never thought anyone noticed until one day my dad said something like, “Don’t forget…” and pointed at the box.

I was glad he addressed it because now when my hands are full, I can awkwardly stop and reach down to touch it and I don’t have to explain why.

PJ is aware of it too. I’ll pass the back of my car and tap on the VW logo and he’ll say with a chuckle, “Did you have to touch that?” and I’ll say, “Yep.”

It gets worse when I’m stressed but never so bad that it impacts my life.

I don’t know why I need to do it, but I heard a really good explanation once:

It feels like an itch that needs to be scratched. You know it’s irrational and you don’t have to do it, but if you don’t, you have this nagging feeling that you wish you did.

So in my mind, if I don’t tap that electrical box, something might go wrong. It’s a sort of superstition I guess.

Anyway, it’s nice to have family that thinks it’s cute and quirky. But I’m sure not everyone feels that way. Some people are reading this right now thinking, “Oh wow. This girl is nuts.”

I’m not. It’s just the way my brain functions. Some misfiring of synapses or a chemical imbalance or something.

Just like when someone has high blood pressure or a sprained knee; if it gets out of control, they just need to get it fixed and they’ll be ok.

Not everyone loves being on medication, but just like exercise can lower your blood pressure, talking to someone can be an exercise for your mind.

Some people have it worse than others. Sometimes it’s not just cutesy tapping on things. There’s nothing “wrong” with them. They just need help.

I do check-ins with my boys. I remind them constantly about what really matters in life.

That things like school should not be overly-stressful to them and if they ever feel like it is, that they need to tell me and we’ll work it out together; that if they ever feel sad and can’t come out of it, tell me and we’ll work it out together; if they’re ever having thoughts that make them feel badly, tell me and we’ll work it out together.

It’s all very normal, it’s all very common, and it’s not anything they should ever be ashamed of.

Neither should you ❤️