Here we are now, entertain us. I feel stupid, and contagious. Here we are now. Entertain us.

I remember the first time I saw the Smells Like Teen Spirit video. I was sitting in my Aunt Diana’s living room on one of her big, brown, furry couches that you could sink into. There was a velvet painting of Elvis hanging on the wall above it. My mom and aunt were having coffee in the kitchen, so I was lounging and watching MTV.

I specifically remember sitting up and not being able to take my eyes off the TV when the video went on because I didn’t understand it at all. So many questions:

Why can’t I see the frontman’s face? I can’t tell if he’s hot or not. His shirt looks like something Bert & Ernie from Sesame Street would wear.

Is the drummer hot? He looks like he might be, but I can’t see his face either. Why does his drum-set say Chaka? I thought the name of the band is Nirvana.

Why is the bassist just bouncing up and down?

Why are there only 3 of them? Bands are always 4 people.

Why do the cheerleaders in the audience have tattoos? Oh my God gross! That one has armpit hair!!!

What the hell is going on?! They’re all crashing into each other now and he’s screaming SO loud!

I didn’t get it, but by the end I was hooked. I sat there thinking, ‘What the hell did I just watch?’ but I loved it.

* Fun fact: Kurt Cobain was hanging out with Bikini Kill’s front woman Kathleen Hanna (who is now married to Adam Horovitz of the Beastie Boys) and she wrote: ‘Kurt smells like Teen Spirit’ on the wall in his apartment. He thought it sounded cool and named his song after it. It was only after Smells Like Teen Spirit was released that he found out Teen Spirit was a flowery smelling deodorant for girls.

Fast forward 25 years and hearing the same Nirvana songs played countless times on the radio, I started falling off the Nirvana bandwagon. And as a mom in my forties, I even found myself annoyed at Cobain. I didn’t think he was the cool, aloof guy I once worshipped. Now when I watch old Nirvana interviews I think, ‘ugh he’s kind of a dick’.

*Side note: Nirvana’s drummer Dave Grohl is still the best and always will be. But now as the lead singer of the Foo Fighters, sometimes I can’t take his screaming. Whenever they come on, PJ or I inevitably say, “Oh no Dave Grohl is going to yell at us now. Why are you yelling at us Dave Grohl?” Sometimes I’m just not in the mood. I’m old.

Back to KC.

He’s really rude to people in interviews, acting like he can’t be bothered. And I thought it was funny back in the day when I saw a clip of Kevin Costner going backstage and telling the band that he thought the show was “really neat” and they all mocked him as soon as he left the room. But now I’m like, ew, that’s really messed up.

And then Kurt killed himself. At the time I felt so sad for him, and sad for myself as his fan. Now I look at it like – how could he do that to his baby girl? She was only 2.

But all those judgements might be way off base.

Maybe the interviewer was an asshole to him and then only showed the one side of the interview when Kurt got agitated.

Maybe Kurt was mad that Costner’s big money got him front row seats and backstage passes to a concert he didn’t really care about. Kurt probably knew there were diehard fans, ones who would never say his show was “neat”, who would do anything for that opportunity but couldn’t afford it because management was handling all that.

And from the countless stories I’ve heard about depression and suicide, his dark thoughts probably had him believing that Frances Bean would be better off without him in her life, which is so so sad.

A few months ago I downloaded Nirvana Essentials and listened to it on my way to work.

I can’t believe I had become so jaded, because there’s no denying that Kurt Cobain was a musical genius. I was really overwhelmed and had chills the entire drive.

Sliver, for one, is brilliant. He says the words, “Grandma take me home” 42 times (I counted) in a 2 minute/12 second song, but it works. The song is so punk, yet so sentimental at the same time. That to me, is the work of a genius.

Rape Me is another work of art. With lyrics so repetitive that, “I’m not the only one” and Cobain screaming and echoing “RAPE ME!” over and over so many times that it takes up 95% of the song – how is it SO. SO. GOOD. ???

You Know You’re Right is my favorite Nirvana song (and no, it’s not because I’m always right, hee hee.) It’s another song where the words, ‘You know you’re right’ are repeated continuously, and then meld into a growling & gravelly Cobain changing it to, “You know your rights” a bunch more times. I’ve always imagined it’s about his tumultuous relationship with Courtney Love. After Kurt died and Hole played MTV Unplugged, she sang a beautiful rendition of it it, leading me to further believe that, yes, I was right 😉

In his suicide letter, Kurt quoted the Neil Young song My My, Hey Hey by writing “It’s better to burn out than fade away.” I don’t agree.

I went to Target a few days later and found my new favorite Nirvana t-shirt. I felt the irony as I paid for it with the money I made at my 9-5, in a store that Kurt surely would’ve hated. He’d probably be so angry that his band’s likeness was being sold(out) in a store that went against everything he stood for.

However, I do like to think that because of Kurt Cobain and Nirvana, that even though I grew up and turned into a (somewhat) mature adult, I still have the same little rebellious streak that was sparked the day I first saw that video. I do shave my armpits though 😝