I was waiting for PJ to get home so I could stuff shrimp tacos into my face. When he arrived, he said, “Holy shit. Trump was just at a rally and got shot at!” We put on Fox News to see what they were saying. Of course, because we don’t believe anything Trump says or…

My dad told me yesterday that the only thing he sees when he goes to my pod is the one from Mother’s Day. I deciphered his “Pa-speak” to mean that he thinks his phone is acting up because he keeps seeing the same post when he goes to my site. When I set up his…

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. You will see all the gooshy mooshy social media posts about mothers. Most of them won’t even be true but the poster knows that it will get them a lot of “Love this!” “So sweet!” and “Awwwww” comments and it will make them feel good. Some people won’t post at all.…

*Fun fact: when Christopher Columbus “discovered” Long Island, he called it Fernandina. ——- Beyoncé’s cover of Dolly’s Jolene is my new favorite song. When she sings, “I’m still a Creole banjee bitch from Louisiane”, it makes my little heart pitter-patter all over the place because I. Get. It. I moved to North Carolina almost 18…

I was scrolling Instagram and came across a post Frances Bean Cobain wrote about grieving her dad. It was especially poignant because I just finished the book Demon Copperhead yesterday. If you read it, you’ll know what I mean. One of the things Frances mentions is that Kurt loved Strawberry Nesquick. This instantly brought me…

I just thought of a great side-hustle for myself. We were watching The Ten Commandments last night. Surprisingly, this is one of PJ’s favorite Easter traditions, not mine. I promptly fell asleep and woke up intermittently. The movie is like 12 hours long. And not good. Although I must say, Yul Brynner was quite a…

Every year I’m given the gift of seeing 2 birds make a family. I was waiting and waiting this year and then suddenly there was a nest! I excitedly told my family and of course, no one cared. PJ even said, “Great, more disgusting bird crap on the door” (he’s not always this curmudgeonly but…

A long, long time ago I had a boss who, in retrospect, must have had bi-polar disorder. By diagnosing him with this, I’m being very kind. Because if he wasn’t bi-polar, he was just a straight up asshole. I was very young and impressionable. My confidence could still be shattered like a champagne flute dropped…

Hurt people, hurt people. The first person to ever say that to me was my Biff. I’ve heard it many times after that, but I needed to hear it in the context of one of our deep conversations for it to resonate. It’s completely turned my thought process around. Where I used to be offended…

We watched Killers of the Flower Moon the other night. Well, it was actually the other night and the next afternoon because no matter how good a movie is, I will always, always fall asleep unless I took a nap in the daytime. Anyway, it was excellent. My main man Leo was in it. I…

My dad has a plethora of “When I was a little boy…” stories. They’re called, “When I was a little boy” stories because every childhood tale he tells begins with, “When I was a little boy…” Lol claims she’s heard every one 50 times over and says they get longer with each telling. Lol has…

When Madonna had her first child, Lourdes León, I remember thinking, “Hmm, one day Lourdes will be old enough to read and see all the things her mom did in her career. I wonder how she will explain her Sex book to her kids.” (I’ve never actually seen it myself, but I hear she does…

I’m waiting in line at Homegoods. I’ve been waiting for 20 minutes now. It’s fine. I have my phone. I’m annoying PJ via text. But. There is the most annoying mother fucker behind me. Some days I’m in the mood to chat. Some days I’m not. Respect that. Nope. Not this guy. Twenty minutes ago…

I’m about to go to Costco for the first time with Lol and PJ. Something is telling me I need to document this. I didn’t want to go. Stores like this are not fun for me. Give me a Homegoods or even a Lowe’s – any store where I can buy something nice for my…

This is a reminder that with every daylight savings, you should change out the old smoke alarm batteries with new ones. Why am I offering up this valuable piece of advice at 4:47am, you ask? Well, it’s because one of mine started chirping about a half hour ago and woke me up. All the other…

Last year on my birthday I wrote 46 things I’m grateful for so I decided I’m going to try to make it a tradition. I turned 47 the other day, so here are 47 things I’m grateful for. No particular order and they just pop into my head as I write. 1. Rainy days when…

Today is kindness day. What a joke. The reason I know it’s kindness day is because some corny-ass guy and his corny-ass kid were on the news this morning telling everyone that they should be a little nicer to everyone today because it’s “kindness day.” Please. It’s not the first time I’ve seen this guy…

Before school started this year, I bought my oldest son a bunch of t-shirts I thought he’d like. There were 12 in all: – The Microphones – David Bowie’s mugshot from when he was arrested with Iggy Pop for possessing a 1/2 pound of marijuana – 2 Neutral Milk Hotel shirts – Swans – a…

That’s what I sang for most of my life until I realized the lyrics were “down in our rendezvous… three’s company too!” I also had no idea what a “Threes Company” was. Maybe this was an indicator that I was too young to be watching a show chock full of sexual innuendos and straight up…

I was going through old files and found this. I wrote it 8 years ago. I can picture my youngest’s rough little voice, and it’s true that my oldest now has a stubbly, scratchy cheek like his dad 🥲 I’m so happy I wrote it down and didn’t trash it because I completely forgot about…

I remember everything. When friends and family can’t recall details of something that happened 30 years ago, they ask me. This is the blessing part. But with a really good memory, you can’t pick and choose the things you actually want to remember and the things you don’t. This means that every little embarrassing thing…

A wise Biff once told me, “Whenever you’re doing something out of love, it’s always the right thing.” This was advice she’d given me when I asked if she thought I was fucking up my kids. In this day and age, mental health issues are so much more prevalent than they’ve been in the past.…

When I drove to work yesterday, the roads were less congested than usual. I figured it’s because parents like me, whose kids start school on Monday, took these last few days to vacation before the school-time chaos ensues. To these parents I say: you’re doing it allllll wrong. I know for A FACT that I’m…

I once read that bartenders HATE when people order dirty martinis. They consider it pretentious because they don’t believe someone could actually like the way it tastes, and it’s sacrilegious to destroy a good gin with olive juice. To that I say: pish posh. However, this post proving bartenders wrong might be a moo point…

I was talking to my friend Amy the other day and she asked about my kids. The conversation began with the average, run-of-the-mill, “They’re good.” and somehow turned into a competition of whose kids are lazier. Spoiler alert: Mine are. They’re lazy as shit. Wait, let me back up. My oldest and youngest are lazy…

This morning I washed my face and after drying it, looked in the mirror. Little did I know, PJ had creeped up behind me. He stood on his tippy-toes with his arms above his head and hands shape like claws. He bulged his eyeballs out of their sockets and snarled, showing all his teeth. When…

Ever since my kids stumbled upon the “Dunk-a-chino” scene in Adam Sandler’s movie Jack & Jill, they’ve been a little obsessed. I can’t explain it in all it’s glory, so here it is: Amazing, right? They randomly sing it during the day. I get up to pee and it’s playing in my mind at night.…

This is a well-known piece of information. It’s because the song is sooo long. In fact, it began playing on my way to my parents’ house yesterday and it’s still on. I kid, I kid. But in reality, I got to their house, turned off the car, went inside, chit-chatted for a bit, my kids…

On weekday mornings, PJ and I alternate dropping off our son at Teara’s in exchange for our nephew. It’s a routine we’ve done all year and it works in getting the lads off to their schools on time. Our youngest always comes with us. His day doesn’t start for another hour, but he still likes…

In the voice of Chandler Bing when Ross Gellar keeps telling him to PIVOT!: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UPPPPPP!!!! I challenge you to take notice of the people who shout the “Be kind” mantra from the mountaintops. You will ultimately see, as I have, that the majority of people who say this, are the…