I used to scream at my kids a lot.

Then about 8 years ago, my family of 5 was living in a 3-story walk-up apartment building while our house was being built.

One day, we were bringing groceries upstairs and PJ (who I warned was carrying too much) dropped a jar of salsa. It smashed all over the stairwell and I lost my ever loving mind for everyone to see.

That’s when I knew I needed help.

To be fair, PJ wasn’t the only one carrying too much. I was working full-time, my kids were the ages of 5, 7, and 9, we were in the middle of having a house built, and well, you know, that little detail of living in a 3-story, 2-bedroom, walk-up apartment with your family of five.

It was a lot.

However, it didn’t give me an excuse to constantly scream at my children.

So after that episode, I decided to try anti-anxiety medication and never went back.

I didn’t want to try it before because I was convinced it would turn me into a zombie, or at the very least, a different person. And surprisingly, other than the meltdowns, I actually liked myself and didn’t want to change.

Thankfully, none of that happened. All the medication did was take away the feeling of constantly being wound so tightly that anything would make me explode.

I still yell at my family sometimes but it’s never those rage-filled, scary events like they were in the past. Now it’s more like the, “Leave your brother alone and stop being a jackass!” kind of chiding.

Well last night, the old Tiffy busted her way through that wall of meds like the Kool Aid Man.

We were watching Breaking Bad. We used to eat dinner around the table, but now we watch TV series together while we eat. First was The Sopranos, then Mad Men, now Breaking Bad (even though we’ve all seen it before – it’s just that good.)

My oldest and youngest were next to me on the couch and every 3 seconds I had to shush them. They wouldn’t stop. When the show was over and PJ and I started cleaning up the dishes, those 2 remained on the couch being as annoying as possible.

PJ told them to go upstairs.

They didn’t listen.

I told them, “Come on guys, go upstairs, you’re being really annoying.“

They didn’t listen.

I said it again.

They didn’t listen.

And then, after I spent the day clothes shopping for them, buying candy for their baskets, cooked for Easter dinner for THREE AND A HALF HOURS STRAIGHT and continued to make dinner for them, then vacuumed the kitchen while dinner was in the oven… and they still wouldn’t shut up after being asked for the 100th time…

💥 BOOM 💥

I was insane.

At least 15 F bombs.

The range of my voice shot up so high as I was screaming, I thought my vocal chords were going to pop.

I didn’t even make any sense.

First I told them to go the fuck upstairs, then I ordered them to come back the fuck down and vacuum the fucking shredded cheese that they dropped all over the fucking floor.

Seeing these two spoiled, coddled children trying to turn on a vacuum was too much to take so I sat on the couch and disassociated while playing 1010.

I thought I heard my youngest crying and didn’t have one single ounce of sympathy for him. Instead I sat there thinking. “Oh Lord, is this little fool really crying right now?”

When they were finished and quietly went back upstairs, PJ approached me with caution and asked what I wanted to watch.

We did not speak of what just happened.

A little while later I made chocolate mousse for dessert and called up to them, “Do you little dingleberries want chocolate mousse?”

They ran downstairs and apologized, but immediately went back to being annoying.

PJ told me later on, “He wasn’t crying, he was laughing. I could see him smirking behind the giant wall of hair he was using to hide his face.”

Thank God for the meds because if I was like that all the time, he probably wouldn’t find it funny.

I’m glad my outbursts are so few and far between now that they laugh at me.

I’m not gonna lie though — acting like a complete lunatic felt GOOD.

If you don’t scream and cry once in a while, and hold it allll in allll the time, I highly recommend letting it out.

It’s very cathartic. I give it a 10 out of 10.