No, not the fun parties we had in our youth.

I’m talking about the last 2 evenings of my life being spent at high school and middle school open houses. Lord help me.

It’s not fair. Back in the day, we were told when school started and then went to school on that day.

Labor Day weekend arrived and then boom – there was school, right on time to ruin your summer.

No open houses, no orientations… they would just throw us into the school pool and make us swim. No life jackets, no mommy & daddy holding our hands… here you go kid – survive.

The most we had was meet the teacher night when school was already in session, and I don’t think most parents went to it.

One year, I think the only reason Lol went was because I was having trouble with my Spanish teacher. In the course of their argument – um, I mean, conversation – he ended up calling me a brat or a bitch or something and Lol told him off ♥️ I don’t remember being an actual *bitch*, but I do remember falling asleep a lot. Oh yeah, and everyone in that class knew not to sit in the first 2 rows because he would scream-spit all over us. It was like going to a Gallagher concert except instead of watermelon we’d be drenched in the saliva of an angry Spaniard.

But I digress.

Nowadays we have to go to every shittin’ thing for these kids. There’s orientation, open house, curriculum night, several band concerts (cute, but I catch Covid every time), and a graduation ceremony for like, every single grade.

Not gonna lie… through the years, some of the events have dropped off our rotation because they’re truly unnecessary, but the parents of today absolutely do not want to just throw these kids to the wolves so they can try to survive on their own. Therefore, everyone’s life becomes juuusst a little more miserable.

I feel sorry for the teachers. Last night, while at the middle school, there was an overhead announcement telling us to keep in mind that the open house was over at 6:30. Jesus, I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there. Were there people who wanted to stand around and bullshit?

First of all, it was hot as Hades, and the halls were packed like sardines. I had to squeeze my way through butts and bellies, all at nipple-level because I’m only 5 foot sweet in my stocking feet.

Secondly, I was starving to death because the event took place at my early-bird special dinner hour. As soon as we got out, PJ was yelling to our youngest, “TEXT YOUR BROTHERS AND TELL THEM WE’LL BE THERE IN THREE MINUTES AND TO BE READY!!!” because he was starving too. We went out for pizza because somewhere along the line, it became tradition to do this. It’s like a reward for having to endure the torture.

The dinner music was divine – so many good songs. Of course I took it as an opportunity to show off my musical knowledge.

After the first few notes of one, I pointed to the sky and said:

“You Just Don’t Love Me No More by Billy Vera and The Beaters.”

PJ exclaimed, “Billy Vera and the Beaters?! They’re the same guys who sing The King of Queens theme song!”

Then the kids made moaning and unimpressed sounds because they hate The King of Queens. They swear we’re 2 out of the 8 people in the world who actually watch the show.

Then my eldest had the nerve to start singing the theme song without the proper annunciation of “my back is gettin’ tight!” so I had to correct him (iykyk).

Then, because I’m just that cool, I continued with the fun fact that “You Just Don’t Love Me No More” was used in the Family Ties episode where Alex P. Keaton breaks up with his girlfriend Ellen in the train station. That girlfriend was the actor Tracy Pollan, who became Michael J. Fox’s real-life wife and they’re still married today!

Then PJ says, “Do you know where Tracy Pollan went to school? … Syosset.”

A lot of famous people went to PJ’s high school; among them: Sue Bird, Edina Menzel, Natalie Portman… and every time any of these people are brought up, PJ tells us about it.

So I said, “Wow, isn’t it awesome that Michael J. Fox gets to hear all the same stories that I do?!”

I was being facetious, but I really do like the idea of both PJ and Tracy telling their families that they went to the same school as Sue Bird, one of the greatest basketball players of all time (out of men AND women – look it up) and that her mom was also the school nurse.

Anyway, the open houses are over; school starts next week; and I will be taking my annual vacation to luxuriate in my clean & quiet house. I certainly deserve it!!!!!