When Madonna had her first child, Lourdes León, I remember thinking, “Hmm, one day Lourdes will be old enough to read and see all the things her mom did in her career. I wonder how she will explain her Sex book to her kids.” (I’ve never actually seen it myself, but I hear she does some things with old men and dogs.)

My question was answered when I read that Madonna was actually a very stern parent who severely limited her children’s access to the outside world by not allowing them to watch TV.

I got the gist that it was her way of being what she considered to be a good parent, but one can’t help but wonder if it had anything to do with her forays into beastiality.

*side note: every time I typed the word beastiality, the red squiggly line appeared underneath, so I typed “beastiality” into my search engine to see how to spell it correctly. A whole bunch of links to free beastiality sites popped up and now I’m afraid I’m going to get some really weird ads in my feeds 🙀

Anywayyy… in my own tiny bubble, not nearly as provocative as Madonna’s, I knew there would come a day when my kids would stumble upon my blog and possibly read it.

I tried to be aware of this and careful, but alas, one can never be too careful.

I came home yesterday and my youngest was waiting at the door:

“Mama. I need to have a word with you.”

Normally I’d be all, “Who do you think you’re talking to like that?”

But it was so sincere and funny that I let him continue.

“Yes…?”

“I was on Instagram looking for something in your feed and saw your blog…” (I never hid it from them, I just don’t think they ever cared enough to see what their old mom has to write about.)

“And I read the one about me and ***** and how he kicked me in the belly.”

“Yeah…?” (Silently chuckling in my head because I can’t think of that story without laughing.)

“You made it sound like we were all being really mean to him like we were trying to make him cry, but we really were just busting each other’s balls. You made it sound like I’m a real asshole (but he says it like this: ahhsshole, in his nondescript NY/NC accent.

Then he hit me with the worst part of all: “And you wrote that your oldest and youngest were lazy as shit but your middle child was the typical middle child who was the peacemaker and would rather do all the chores than see any strife between him and his brothers and that he was your favorite and you say that with no shame.”

Ok, first of all, I was kind of impressed that he quoted me word-for-word…but, in his young age, he did not get the joke.

I didn’t even try to explain, I just asked him if he’d like me to redact it. He said yes. So this is it, this blog post is my redaction.

To my brave, beautiful, and brilliant youngest son (this is how I’ve referred to you in previous blogs and I really mean it) – all mothers know that their favorites change daily, therefore, we don’t actually have any favorites.

That day, when writing about how lazy you and your brother are, I made a joke that my middle child was my favorite because he voluntarily does the chores.

Someone being helpful does not constitute favoritism (although, not gonna lie… it doesn’t hurt – go take out the garbage.)

You know you’re my little baby boobah with the softest cheeks in the whole wide world. I want to rip your cheek off your face and make it into a little pillow so I can bring it with me everywhere but you won’t let me!

I couldn’t possibly have favorites when God gave me the three most kind, loving, funny, talented, and smart children He’s ever created.

As for the story about you being kicked in the belly, I’m sorry that I made you sound like an ahhsshole – that was not my intention.

I was trying to paint the picture that I am not the type of mother that tries to pretend that her kids are 100% perfect at all times. I would never expect you to be. All humans are flawed – except for me of course – I’m perfect and always right too – you know this.

But I should have stressed the fact that you all are good friends and were all making fun of each other. I’m sorry that it sounded like you were bullying him.

I have no doubt that in the real world you are sweet and kind, and a good person, just how I see you when you’re under my watchful eye. However, you’re probably still lazy as shit, that probably doesn’t change much.

P.S. DO NOT look up the word beastiality. I don’t want the cops knocking on our door.