I’m about to go to Costco for the first time with Lol and PJ. Something is telling me I need to document this.

I didn’t want to go. Stores like this are not fun for me. Give me a Homegoods or even a Lowe’s – any store where I can buy something nice for my house – and I’m good to go. Maybe there might be something cute at Costco, but it doesn’t matter today. Today’s trip is solely for those 2 food obsessed maniacs. And I know if I trail off or linger in an aisle with pretty home items, I’ll hear Lol, “Tiff, Tiff, what are ya doin’? Come on.” or PJ, “Lol’s like 3 aisles over, she’s gonna get lost.” And force me to go with him.

It’s the same reason why I’m being forced to go with them.

PJ offered to take Lol and asked when was good for me.

I said, “Why do I have to go?” And, right in front of her he said, “I don’t want to be alone with her.”

She said, “I’m not going to pinch you!” But I think both PJ and I know that at some point she probably will.

Seriously though, I know why. It’s like that Seinfeld episode when George and Elaine were forced to hang out without Jerry and it was weird and awkward. Their only saving grace was to talk shit about Jerry. I don’t want them talking shit about me, so I agreed to go.

We’re in the car now going to get Lol. PJ said he wants to get a hot dog when we’re there. What is he, nuts? I have NEVER in my entire life gone shopping with Lol and gotten food.

Every time we went to Times Square Stores on Long Island, the pretzel smell wafted through the air and there was a giant picture of a soft serve ice cream cone on the wall of the restaurant in the front of the store, but she would NEVER, EVER let me get anything ☹️

We just picked up Lol and I asked Pa if he was going to run around naked since he’ll be home alone. He said no, he was going to go watch Shabbat. Yes, he was raised as a Catholic altar boy and is still Catholic but doesn’t go to church – he watches Shabbat on TV. I don’t know why. This is a blog for another day. Anyway, he’s going to pray for me.

PJ asked Lol if she has gas money. She didn’t get the joke and said he could have her gas points. She’s too worried about getting “lobstah tails for Christmas Eve” to joke around.

Two of Lol’s biggest fears are traffic and places being crowded. She just told us she doesn’t know how crowded it will be at this time and maybe everyone’s at church. (Lol obviously doesn’t go to church. It’s 11:30 on a Saturday.)

I just asked Lol how the shopping carts are at Costco. She said they’re like the regular ones. I asked if she is going to sit in the seat and put her little baby goo-goo legs through the holes. She said no but I can push the cart for her and admitted that the push bar is eye-level 🤣

Oh no. There aren’t any parking spots. I can hear Lol breathing anxiously. She’s totally getting into a fight today.

We just found a spot and she exclaimed, “Oh! Oh! That wasn’t so bad!”

It’s pretty crowded but Lol’s handling it well.

She grabbed the industrial size jar of mayo before I had a chance to get it for her and she almost toppled over.

Lol: Did you see walnuts on this side?

Me – No.

Lol – SHIT!!!!

I just had my first free sample and it was good. I may have to put on my sunglasses as a disguise and go back for more.

Lol’s going so fast that if I stop for a sample I lose her. She said “Ugh, I never get the samples.” Is she crazy??!!

Things are getting tense. She can’t find the lobstah tails. She looks like someone died. Oh wait, she found them but is not impressed. She’s asking someone who works here. I feel a fight brewing. She doesn’t like his answers. Later she tells me she thinks he was lying.

She stepped into the produce room and immediately stepped out because it was too cold 🤣

Lol is VERY upset. She couldn’t find the right pancake mix that Jamesy likes and was very disappointed with the lobstah tails. When the lady at the counter asked if she found everything ok, you bet your ass she let her know about it.

Now PJ is paying for our order but Lol is leaving him in the dust. I don’t think she realizes he’s driving her home.

When we got to the guy at the door who checks the receipts, he asked if we found everything ok. You can guess what she told him.

All in all it was pretty uneventful. PJ was helpful in getting free samples and Lol didn’t get arrested.

She just said, “It was a madhouse and I didn’t get the lobstah tails.”

Lol checking out the measly lobstah tails.