Today is kindness day.

What a joke.

The reason I know it’s kindness day is because some corny-ass guy and his corny-ass kid were on the news this morning telling everyone that they should be a little nicer to everyone today because it’s “kindness day.”

Please.

It’s not the first time I’ve seen this guy with his children telling everyone how they should be kind. They have a running segment on the news. I haven’t seen it every time, but the ones I have seen are all in the same vein:

“Look at these old people…I just did something nice for them. I’m sooo kind!”

“Look at this lonely person sitting by themself. I’m going to sit by them. I’m soooo kind!”

Etc. etc.

I think what rubs me the wrong way most about these types of “kindness” stories is that it’s usually some turdy guy like the one talking down to me and others like, “I’m so wonderful, my kids are so wonderful, you should be just like us.”

Let me tell ya, it’s a pretty big fall from grace when people known as “the kindness people” make a misstep and do something non-kind like the rest of us mere mortals.

This is not to say that I don’t believe in being kind, I just prefer my version of it to be more natural, less forced. Authentic.

Here’s a little story I like to equate to kindness.

My youngest came home from school one day and told us that his friend kicked him in the stomach at recess.

“What?! Why??!!” (In situations like this, asking him why it happened is the first thing I like to do before grabbing my phone, jumping on the Facebook parent page, railing about it, then asking for the opinions of all the Moms, Dicks, & Hairies about who I should call and rip a new one because all eyeballs weren’t on my precious baby boy when he got kicked in the belly on the playground.)

His response was, “We were making fun of my friend’s butt-chin, so he did a flip on the jungle gym and kicked me in the stomach.”

He went on to tell us that he grabbed his stomach, doubled over in pain, and almost started crying but didn’t.

He could barely get the last sentence out when PJ and I caught each others eyes and busted out laughing.

He wasn’t happy with us, but I explained our reactions.

“Sorry we’re laughing, but first of all, picturing this is the funniest thing ever.

You mean to tell me he was able to do a flip on the jungle gym and kick you square in the belly?! I’d pay money to see that in real life.

But secondly, I don’t really feel sorry for you because you were being a dick. You know we don’t think you should hit anyone unless they hit you first, but you kinda deserved it.”

“You and your friends were making fun of him for something he couldn’t change even if he wanted to. That’s really mean. And also, you’re wrong anyway – some of the most handsome men have cleft chins, or what you referred to as a “butt-chin”.

Cases in point: John Travolta, Tom Brady, Ashton Kutcher, and of course this gorgeous angel:

My point is, if all the “be kinders” of the world dissected this story, it would surely come out that the handsome little butt-chin kid would have been wrong for raging and kicking my son in the belly.

In reality, my son and his friends should have never made fun of his cleft chin in the first place. They were the true non-kind perpetrators in this situation.

My point is, instead of constantly telling our kids (or lecturing us adults) to be kind and make a friggin’ national holiday out of it, why not just live your life in kindness by acting that way on a regular basis?

And you know what? Sometimes kindness isn’t always the right response anyway. Sometimes, some people need an acrobatic kick to the belly to get them straight.