When I drove to work yesterday, the roads were less congested than usual. I figured it’s because parents like me, whose kids start school on Monday, took these last few days to vacation before the school-time chaos ensues.

To these parents I say: you’re doing it allllll wrong.

I know for A FACT that I’m not the only one counting down the minutes, seconds, nanoseconds, whatever is less than a nanosecond … until my kids go back to school.

It’s because every day I clean my kitchen, and not even an hour later, it’s as though they all decided to dip their hands in jars of jelly then touch every surface. They’re not even babies, they’re 11, 13, and 15, so there’s no excuse!!

This past week, my main bathroom has become a hub for every loose hair and germy bodily fluid you could imagine, and the mirror and sink are always splashed with globs and streaks of soap. I just thank the Lord that they actually wash their hands!!

Opening the refrigerator is a great way to test my reflexes because 50% of the time a bottle or jar comes tumbling out at me. This is because they shove it in and close the door, not knowing (or caring) if it’s actually secured on the shelf.

The inside of my microwave makes me want to vomit. Dried pulled pork has been dangling from the top like meaty fairy lights since the moment after I cleaned it last week.

But like a predator, I lie in wait, and have patiently resisted the urge to clean.

Come Monday, the moment the front door closes and the last of the fools are off to the bus, I will pounce.

I will be an absolute cleaning tornado. I’ll be like Wonder Woman – but instead of twirling into different clothes, I’ll be spinning and turning my house from a shithole to a sparkling palace!!

Afterwards, I will lay on my couch and do as Depeche Mode tells me and 🎶 Enjoy the silence 🎶

I won’t have to listen to my children cursing and raging at video games, or making random annoying sounds, or humming for no reason, or asking for things constantly, or begging for soda when I already said no, or fighting with each other, or asking what’s for dinner then saying they don’t want that. I mean, these things will all still happen, but within the span of 5 hours instead of all day, every day.

You’re probably wondering, “But Tiffy, how are you going to do this when you have a full time job?”

Well here’s the part where you’re doing it all wrong.

You need to scratch that last week of vacay with your kids and take the time for yourself instead! Alone!! I saved up a week’s worth of PTO so I can absolutely luxuriate in my clean and quiet house. Selfish? Maybe. I DO NOT CARE.

If you’re like me, you just spent an entire summer with kids who became increasingly more annoying (and dirty) as the days went on.

And now it’s time to celebrate!!!

Cheers to a great school year!! 🥂