I don’t know much about the ins and outs of slander laws, so even though this story is entirely true, I’m not going to tell you the name of the company I am writing about.

I will, however, let you know that this company has some shady friggin business practices. Let’s call them, “Mac-PayUs-AFee”.

Picture it: You’re sitting on your couch, playing a nice game of Words With Friends on your laptop, and suddenly:

WARNING!!! YOUR COMPUTER IS NOT PROTECTED!!! BUY OUR PRODUCT TO BE PROTECTED AGAINST SCAMMERS!!!”

Motherfucker. I was just going to lay down a sweet 7-letter Scrabble and you just ruined my high.

What do you do? You hastily click on anything to get this annoying pop-up off your screen.

A year later, you’re going through your credit card charges and see you’ve been paying for a subscription to Mac-PayUs-Afee antivirus package, and never even knew it.

One great reason why you had no idea, is because you’re bombarded every. single. day. with emails stating you need to be protected from scammers by purchasing said subscription.

It turns out, when you clicked that annoying pop-up to go away, you unwittingly clicked on a box that signed you up for a subscription.

Wait, it gets better!!!

Since the initial “purchase” was 1 year ago, you’ve been charged again because you never told them that you didn’t want to auto-renew.

How does one go about canceling an auto-renew subscription when one never knew they signed up for a subscription in the first place, you ask?

Well, you don’t. Now you’ve been charged for double the amount.

Oh wait, no! … It’s more than double because they raised their rates on the subscription you never knew you purchased in the first place.

Fucked up, right?

Check your credit card statements, people!!

Anyway… you see what’s going on here, so you call Mac-PayUs-Afee’s customer service line to dispute this absolute bullshit.

It turns out you can cancel the auto subscription and get your money back because it falls within the 90 day cancellation window. Cool. Cool.

But… you can’t be refunded for the original charge because it doesn’t fall within that window — even though you didn’t know you purchased it in the first place. Not. Cool.

You go around and around with the customer service rep.

What this poor guy doesn’t know is that I never lose an argument. I will WEAR YOU DOWN. It’s not even about the money at this point. It’s the motherfucking principal. I will EXHAUST you. I will not stop. It will be my new full-time job. I will die on this phone call.

And then… the victory is so sweet.

To quote Nathanial Hornblower, aka Abednego, aka Adam Nathanial Yauch, aka MCA, of my beloved Beastie Boys – it’s

Sweeter than a cherry pie with Reddi-Wip topping 😍

I bet you’re waiting for me to say that I couldn’t even get someone who spoke English on the phone.

It’s true; I couldn’t.

Well, not exactly. He did speak English, but with a very thick (I think, Indian) accent.

Why do people get so upset about that?

Oh wait, I know, I know! Because you’re so used to hearing average, every day, racists telling you that all our American jobs are being outsourced to India.

First of all, it’s a call center. Go on the internet and search for call center jobs and you will find one in less than 30 seconds. If you’re really dying for that job, you can have it!

Then you can get screamed at and berated all day long. Those bastards. How can they steal those jobs from us! 😤

I kid you not. When I was first connected with this particular service representative, I heard a rooster in the background.

A rooster.

After the 5th cock-a-doodle-doo, I had to ask, “Is that a rooster in the background?”

Him: “(Nervous giggle) Yes, ma’am it is.”

Me: “(Laughing) Are you on a farm?”

Him: “(Laughing) No, it’s my neighbor’s rooster.”

Me: “Is that annoying?”

Him: “Well, some of my customers are annoyed by it.”

Me: “No, I mean YOU. Does it wake you up everyday?”

Him: “(Laughing) No, I’m used to it. It’s my alarm clock.”

From then on, we had a very civilized conversation – long and frustrating – but civil.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I have family members in the customer service industry. When they have to deal with someone who is screaming at them, they don’t think the person on the other end of the line is tough or cool. They think you’re an idiot. I mean, haven’t you ever heard the saying that you get more flies with honey than vinegar?

They may have to appease you and listen to your ranting, but you can be sure that they’re also putting you on mute, then on speaker, then mocking you in front of a room full of people.

And in the end, they’re not going to help you out. They could have, but why would they after you treated them like crap?

I’m not mad at my Indian friend. He’s just trying to do his job and get paid. Maybe he’s trying to save enough money to move away from his neighbor who owns a rooster.

Do you think he’s sitting there hoping to screw people over? Do you think he’s rubbing his hands together thinking, “Haha I stole this cush job right out of your stupid American hands.”?

No, he’s not. He’s a guy getting screamed at on the phone in one ear, with a rooster who won’t shut the hell up in his other ear. Give the guy a break.

After my reaction to the rooster, he actually laughed and said, “This is nice to hear.” He didn’t have to explain what he meant. I understood.

I can only imagine the hate this man has to endure on a daily basis even when there’s not a rooster in the background. Throw in a rooster and, oof, I can’t even write what a typical racist would say to him, much less an angry one.

No, I’m not mad at him. I’m mad at the owner of the business – who I believe is a BRITISH-AMERICAN bazillionaire who makes his money off scamming people into purchasing his product. I have to Google him. I think I heard he was murdered or something – probably for being a shithead.

Anyway… the next time you have to talk to a customer service rep, American … Indian … what have you… be nice. Not just because it’s the right thing to do, but because of the whole flies and honey thing.

It reminds me of the movie Goodfellas when the cops have a warrant to search Henry Hill’s house.

According to Karen Hill:

Some of the wives, like Mickey Conway, used to curse at them and spit on the floor. She used to spit on her own floor! That never made any sense to me. It was better to be polite and call the lawyer.

However, if you start to see that you’re not getting anywhere, I don’t oppose asking for a manager; not to be “a Karen” per se, but so you can get some satisfaction by actually turning into Karen when she goes to visit Janice Rossi’s apartment building with her kids 😉 At least the manager is getting paid more money to withstand the abuse.