My kids are so mean to me.

I ask them every day to tell me who they like and all they do is give me a nasty look and say NOTHING.

I tell them all the time that I thank God for giving me all boys – the only exception being when they won’t tell me things that I’m dying to know.

I remind them that if I had a girl, she would tell me allll about the boys she liked. (I don’t know if that’s true but I say it anyway.)

I imagine that my girl would be like me and Teara when we were growing up.

Like me and Teara, my girl would use the pencil sharpener in our garage, then test out the perfectly sharpened point by writing who we were in love with on the wall.

I had many names, with various documentation methods; every one of them ending with “4EVA”, of course.

I’m using fake names, but this is how it went:

– I love Parker Brown 4EVA

– Justin & Tiffany 5/6/92 4EVA

– Tim Bundy is HOT!!!! 4EVA

– Theo & Tiffany 4EVA!! (this one was especially creative because instead of drawing a heart around it, I drew a circle. Then outside the circle I wrote: Hearts may break but circles never end.) I was quite poetic.

Teara had less names on the wall – she was more discreet about the men she loved 4EVA. But even secretive Teara would tell us who she loved once in a while!!

My boys? Nothing. Steel friggin traps. As I’m writing this, it has crossed my mind to install a wall mounted pencil sharpener in my garage, but:

1. They would be too lazy to go all the way into the garage to use it.

and

2. I 100% know all they would write are band names, the stupidest jokes I’ve ever heard, and “poop”.

I totally know who my youngest likes but he will never admit it. I badger the shit out of him and he inevitably gets mad at me but I still do it.

My middle? Forget it. While bringing him to the dentist the other day he mentioned something about school and in the context of the conversation, I could tell he was referring to a girl. He wouldn’t tell me who it was. And this was just about a conversation had in class!! I didn’t even ask if he liked her!!!

I used guilt. Nothing.

I used bribery. Nothing.

Then I tried the ol’ tried n’ true method of annoyance:

I asked “pleasssseee???” over and over again for about 2 minutes straight. When I started to annoy myself and saw it wasn’t getting me anywhere, I stopped.

He would’ve done well in Gitmo. Water boarding has nothing on this kid.

My oldest will just shut me down and go upstairs. I know very well by now that none of it works on him. especially not the guilt – I’ve tried.

I tell them I’m going to adopt a daughter and she’ll tell me everything and then I’ll ignore them. They don’t care. They’d be relieved that I’m leaving them alone. With my luck, she’d be the opposite of me and wouldn’t tell me anything either. That would be even worse!!

Maybe… someday… I’ll have granddaughters who will visit me at the old folks home and share the gossip with their old Granny.

I’ll turn up my hearing aids, sit back in my rocker and listen contently – while giving the stink eye to my rotten sons standing over in the corner. One can only hope 💕