My 20s were an interesting time. I got my first real job where the boss had 2 gears: sexual harassment or straight up monster. It’s sad that you’d rather be sexually harassed because that meant he liked you and it was much nicer than being torn down in front of a room full of people.

He’d usually save the tearing down for the grown men so he could feel like a bigger man. He’d scream at husbands and fathers in conference room meetings as if they were little boys. He knew exactly what he was doing. He wanted them to feel emasculated.

With the sexual harassment, he knew less of what he was doing. He wasn’t as skilled at being a sexual predator. He was more like that creeper you knew in high school that wouldn’t leave you alone. He’d come into the mail room and say, “How you doin’?” imitating Joey Tribbiani – about 5 years after Joey started saying it. Friends even realized it was getting old but he didn’t. We’d all make fun of him behind his back.

It was such a toxic environment that I’m sure it’s where my anxiety stems from. Imagine, I was fairly ok for the first quarter of my life and then I get a job that makes me feel so badly that my self-worth plummets.

There were other contributing factors, but I can’t really write about them in the same post or I might be hit with a slander suit because it would be basically pinpointing exactly who, where, and what I’m talking about.

I can say though, that I was responsible for having meetings catered and once I accidentally over-ordered. He called me into his office, had me stand before him at his desk and proceeded to scream at the top of his lungs and berate me. I’ll never forget the last line:

Now go do whatever the fuck it is you do around here!!!

Luckily I was able to get back to my desk before I started crying. My own father never treated me this way and yet I was accepting it from a piece of shit with a Napoleon complex because I was getting paid well. If that job taught me nothing else, it gave me the life lesson that money does not buy happiness.

I’m partially writing this because I’m having a little come to Jesus with myself about thoughts I’ve had recently.

I’ve been reading accounts by Jeffrey Epstein accuser, Virginia Giuffre and thought to myself, “Come on. At 17 I wasn’t so naive. She knew what she was doing and was probably enjoying herself.” My own thought process is one of the things that is wrong with our society.

First off, it’s really nice of me in my 40s to think back and “know” what was going on with this girl because I was 17 once.

Secondly, I’m wrong anyway. I was so stupid when I was 17. Considering some of the things I did, I’m surprised I’m still alive.

So no, I will not judge her and I will believe every word she says. Especially since I was 25 when I was at my legitimate job being emotionally abused, and chose to stay because the money was good.

This stuff happens every day. If you’ve never experienced any sort of abuse, congratulations. But don’t be like me and assume you know what it’s like. You really don’t.