Remember in The Goonies when the Fratellis were trying to get Chunk to talk so they stuck his hand in a blender? He started spilling his guts about all the messed up things he did in his life so they wouldn’t hurt him. That’s kinda the tone of this blog entry.

When I was a little girl I had to have a cast put on my arm because the way I sucked on my fingers would’ve made my mouth and hand deformed if I didn’t stop.

This must’ve been when my rage issues began because I went around hitting everyone with my cast.

Pa started calling me Rocky and it stuck. I even had a velour striped sweatshirt with ROCKY written diagonally across it in big, black, felt letters, but I’d get mad if someone called me ROCKY. (Logic must not have been my strong suit at that point.)

I was still able to just barely reach my hand to my mouth, so I became a thumb-sucker instead. This continued until well into 4th grade.

Not only did I need braces because it made me a bucky beaver, but my nose is crooked and bumpy because I hooked my finger over it whenever I sucked my thumb.

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When I was in kindergarten I bit a girl because she was sitting in the rocking chair that I wanted to sit in. I don’t even think I asked her to get up. She just should have known I wanted to sit there I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Once I was in my playroom upstairs and thought it would be funny to drop an encyclopedia on Teara’s head. I called her over to the stairs:

“Tearrraaaaaa…”

She came to the bottom of the stairs.

“What?”

BAM.

Thank God she had that giant perm to cushion the fall.

I got in a lot of trouble. I couldn’t understand why they didn’t think it was funny.

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Teara had mono when we were in our teens and I thought she was milking it in order to get out of doing the dishes every other night.

When my parents made the mistake of leaving us alone one night, and I was left to clean up the dishes yet again, I started in with her as she was lying (and lying 🤥) on the couch.

I stood above her with a used gravy ladle over her forehead – a big ol’ drip ready to fall:

“Admit you’re not sick anymore.”

“I am!”

“I swear to God if you don’t admit you’re faking I’m going to drip this turkey gravy on your forehead.”

She wouldn’t admit it.

Drip.

The fight ensued. Here’s the really messed up part…

The doctor specifically said that when someone has mono you have to be very careful with their spleen because it becomes tender and could burst easily.

I knew this important piece of information and was so determined to prove that she was faking that I … yes … I punched my sister in her spleen 😩

I ALMOST KILLED MY SISTER BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO DO THE DISHES!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s a good thing I don’t believe in hell because if there was one, I’d certainly be going there.

Luckily I’m not an expert in internal anatomy and was probably nowhere near her spleen because she didn’t die.

Is it bad that this story makes me laugh really hard?

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I could make A TON more confessions but I’m not sure of the statute of limitations in NY, so I’ll stop now.

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Feel free to let me know the most messed up thing you ever did so I can feel a little less like a psychopath.

Thanks!