So here I am again. I can’t sleep. It’s 4am… I got the Hasenpfeffer ale, I got nothin to lose so I’m pissin’ on the 3rd rail…(sorry, slipped into Beastie Boys mode for a sec. It’s really 4am though. The bags under my eyes are going to look extra cute tomorrow.

Stop That Train wasn’t the song in my head that I woke up to. It was Guns N’ Roses Mr. Brownstone.

“I get up around 7. Get outta bed around 9. I don’t worry bout nuthin no cause worryin’s a waste of my…time.”

In my head I totally sing it in Axl’s voice too. Does anyone else constantly have a song in their head or do I have a disorder?

This is when I usually write. When I can’t sleep and the house is quiet. But first I get up to go to the bathroom and then I check on my kids.

It’s so weird how you can stand there and stare at your kids sleeping like a stalker and feel like your heart’s going to explode because you love them so much but in the daytime you lose your mind 20x because they can be soooooooo annoyinggggg.

The other day one of the boys asked PJ a question he didn’t know the answer to so he said, “Look it up.” They said, “Daddy, your catchphrases are, ‘Go to bread’ and ‘Look it up’. (I told you before that I have no idea why he calls it bread instead of bed but he does.)

Holy shit I can’t concentrate because there’s a friggin dog barking at 4:25am. I really do love dogs. Their owners, not so much.

Anyway.

I asked them what my catchphrase was and I was fully fishing for what I knew for a fact was going to be:

“Mommy, you always say, ‘I love you”!”

And I do. Between 20 to 30 times a day at least. But that’s not what they said:

“Yours are ‘Shut up.’ and ‘Go away.’

I was totally thrown for a loop. Crushed even. I had to laugh though because I honestly thought they were going to say my catchphrase was ‘I love you’!!! 😂

I bet you think I’m going to say that I need to change the way I speak to them. That I realized through their eyes how terrible I am for saying those things.

Nope.

When taken out of context, it sounds really horrible and you’re probably imaging them coming to me with sad eyes asking me to read them a story and I say, “SHUT UP AND GO AWAY!!!”

That’s not it at all. Here’s an example of how it really goes down:

It’s a Sunday morning and all I want to do is sleep in, but they wear me down and I make pancakes (from scratch I might add.) I spend about 1-2 hours mixing, pouring, waiting, buttering, cutting, serving, cleaning up.

Then I make my own breakfast and prepare to sit down and watch Sunday Morning. (Big ups to Charles Osgood. It’s never been the same without you and your bow ties & piano playing 😢)

The kids have already run off to play, but as soon as my ass hits the couch and Jane Pauley greets me, they come bounding out of the back room screaming. My oldest’s bare feet flopping on the floor like giant wet flippers. I don’t say anything because they’re going upstairs.

From upstairs I hear the CLICK CLICK CLICK of the empty Nerf gun they’re chasing each other with.

“Hey guys, can you please stop shooting that gun?”

“Okayyy”

2 seconds later. Screaming. No words, just screaming.

“Guys, can you please lower your voices?”

“Okayyy”

2 seconds later. CLICK CLICK CLICK.

“Oh my God, can you stop with that gun?”

No answer.

2 seconds later, screaming again and CLICK CLICK CLICK.

Then it stops and I think, “Finally! They’re on their electronics! I’ll get a moment of peace.” And then…

CLICK CLICK CLICK. Feet flapping. CLICK CLICK. “I’m hungry! Can I have a snack? What are you watching?!” CLICK CLICK CLICK.

“SHUTTTT UPPPP AND LEAVE ME ALONEEEEE!!!!!!”

In good conscience can you honestly sit there and judge me? If you said yes, I cordially invite you over for a pancake breakfast next Sunday to see for yourself. I guarantee YOUR new catchphrase will be:

“I will never judge poor Tiffy again!”