When I set out to write this blog, I never intended for it to be so much of me reminiscing about my childhood, but since I never forget anything (blessing & a curse) and some of it’s too funny not to share, why not? Plus, it’s my bloggy and I’ll do what I want to, do what I want to, do what I want to 🎶 (I can’t believe I just wrote that either ☹️)

So like Sophia Petrillo from PJ’s favorite TV show The Golden Girls would say:

Picture it, North Babylon, 1986 … late afternoon on a Saturday …

I just finished playing Pitfall on Atari and am extremely disappointed by the fact that when you complete the 20 minutes, the only thing that happens is the game freezes. In my case it was when the guy was swinging over the alligator tar pit. That’s it. The dumb game that I worked so hard on just freezes. No CONGRATULATIONS! across the screen, no fireworks, the guy just freezes in mid-air.

Anyway, I don’t know what Teara was doing, probably styling her tight perm or something, but now she’s joined me in the den to hatch a plan on how to get out of going to church. We’d come up with the best reasons we could think of and present them to Lol & Pa.

*Pa is my poor father who had to live in a house full of loud, opinionated, annoying women – sorry Lol, you’re not exempt from this description.)

Lol not-so-secretly thought church was boring too and if it was up to her we would’ve stayed home and watched Magnum PI, but since her mother wanted to go, and Pa is a nice Irish Catholic former altar boy, she knew it was a losing battle.

Lol’s key to making anyone feel better is food, so she’d promise me & Teara Burger King on the way home if we were good in church.

We’d pile into the red Buick and drive to my Grandmother’s house 7 minutes away. Pa would help Grandma down the 10 concrete stairs as we waited in the car. It would take an eternity as they walked arm-in-arm, step-by-step, and we’d watch as Pa busted her chops. I’m not exactly sure what he’d say to her but she’d always get into the car muttering about him being a son-of-a-bitch, bastard.

Thinking back, it’s really unfair that my Grandfather got to stay home, but no one told him what to do, plus he had to make sure he was home to see Yolanda Vega calling the winning lottery numbers on WPIX channel 11 ❤️

We’d drive to Our Lady of Miraculous Medal Catholic Church in Wyandanch. All my friends went to St. Cyril’s Catholic Church in Deer Park but my parents liked this smaller, unassuming church without all the pomp & circumstance. I hated it because there was no air-conditioning, and I was sure that with all the pomp & circumstance of St. Cyril’s came air-conditioning.

We’d settle in on the hard wooden benches. Teara and I would always prepare for church by painting our nails with peel-off nail polish for the sole purpose of giving us something to occupy our time. It would take exactly 30 seconds to peel it all off and then there’d be nothing else to do but people-watch.

I’d look for the usual cast of characters:

– The guy in the front row who always looked like he was furiously chewing on a piece of gum even though there was nothing in his mouth.

– The 15ish year old girl with the Princess Di haircut who looked as bored as me & Teara. We actually had the nerve to call her, ‘The girl who never listens’ 😂.

– The self-righteous couple who sat on the altar who my parents dubbed, “The Love Birds” because they always acted like they were so enamored with each other. Pa said you could always tell when they were fighting because they’d give each other the cold-shoulder.

Then I’d count how many times the priest said the word “tremendous” in his sermon – I swear I counted up to 29 once. Who says the word ‘tremendous’ that much??

This was all going on in between the up, down, kneel, chant, pray, respond, sing, hold sweaty hands & pray, shake sweaty hands & say “peace be with you”, and then … the home stretch … the wine and communion.

This was my favorite part, not only because the communion wafer, or the body of Christ, served as a little appetizer to my impending Whopper, but because I knew there was only 15 minutes left.

One time I wore a really cool painters cap with a rainbow and “Tiffany” written across the brim. When I walked up for the communion the “tremendous” priest said as he handed it over, “Peace be with you … Tiffany.” I’m not sure why, but this embarrassed me so much that I never wore my cool hat again.

Finally it was over and my mouth would water as the mass would slowly file out singing, “Peace is flowing like a riverrrr… flowing out of you and me-ee-eee … our loooovvveee is flowing like a riverrrrr … setting all the captives freeeee…..”

It wasn’t long until the flame-broiled goodness would soon be mine 🤤 🍔