We just came off a 4-day Disney Cruise to the Bahamas. Before I post 100 pictures to not-so-humble brag about the absolutely perfect, completely magical, utterly blessed, with not one single meltdown or fight the entire time of our vacation on Facebook, I figured I’d document our 9-hour road trip back to Huntersville.

The title is what my 11-year-old just said to my 9-year-old as we got back into the car after visiting the most disgusting rest stop I’ve ever been to in Florida. There was a mosquito on the sink staring at me as I was washing my hands and I swear I could hear a little voice saying, “I’m about to give you the West Nile virus heh heh heh.” as he rubbed his tiny hands together.

Before that we stopped at a McDonald’s drive-thru for breakfast and the minute we drove out of the parking lot, 7’s breakfast sandwich slid off the wrapper and on to the floor because God forbid he puts his iPad down. I calmed PJ down as he was getting gas and we popped a U-ey to go buy another one.

I just looked in the backseat to check on them and was horrified to see my 9-year-old LICKING his iPad. He told me it was sticky, so I guess that was the only logical option – even though I have water, hand sanitizer, and 7,000 napkins from all our trips to McDonald’s.

11 just made up a song that goes, “You smellll… you smelll… please get away…. I don’t like your stench…” to torment 7.

Not to be outdone, 7 is making up words about how 11 smells to the tune of Bittersweet Symphony which is currently on the radio.

Now Pets by Porno for Pyros is on and happens to be one of my favorite songs, so of course 7 is singing about state capitols at the top of his lungs.

PJ has the worst taste in music and he can’t believe I’m not a big Stone Temple Pilots fan. And I’m sorry, I know this is an unpopular opinion but I really can’t stand Alice In Chains. He thinks I’m crazy but ugh it’s sooo droney.

Oh no. Closing Time is on! Turn it off! Turn it off! … I can’t because PJ likes it and now he’s singing it. This will be in my head for all of eternity.

PJ bought a Starbucks double-shot and instead of waking him up it gave him a bellyache and he’s still yawning. I’m wide awake but he won’t let me drive because big manly man is such a better driver than me, so I keep staring at him because I’m scared he’ll doze off. That’s no fun when all I want to do is edit my pictures so people believe my vacation was absolutely perfect, completely magical, utterly blessed, with not one single meltdown or fight the entire time.

Oh Lord now he’s blasting Huey Lewis.

Yay Snoop Dogg is on!!! Now the kids can hear some quality music. Luckily PJ is sane enough to realize Snoop is a national treasure ❤️ “What’s your name fool? 🎶Snoop Doggy Dogggg… 🎶”

We just saw a guy riding a bicycle on I-95.

Did PJ seriously just turn off The Backstreet Boys for Alice In Chains? Now he’s trying to imitate Lane Staley’s voice 😂 He just informed me that Rooster is about Jerry Cantrell’s dad who was in Vietnam, which I guess is pretty cool that he knows that.

I can’t decide if Madison on Lithium is annoying or funny but she just played Root Down by my Beastie Boys 😍 so right now I like her.

There are some things PJ says on purpose because he knows it makes my skin crawl. One of them is, “Po Po” instead of police, so he makes sure he says “Man there’s mad Po Po everywhere.” any time we see a police cruiser. I don’t even react anymore. The giant Starbucks double shot made him have to pee so he’s mad now. I think the universe is punishing him for being a pain in the ass.

He just mumbled as he changed the station,“What the fuck is this shit” as he turned off Matchbox 20’s This Is How a Heart Breaks 😂 I agree with this.

We just stopped at the Florida Citrus Center because we’re too cheap to buy souvenirs on the ship. When I went to the bathroom PJ bought the boys Hershey Bars and 2 out of 3 of them ripped the entire wrapper off and ate them in the hot Florida sun so there’s melted chocolate all over their hands and faces. Thank goodness for McDonald’s napkins because I’m never the prepared mom with hand wipes.

4 hours and 30 minutes left. Everyone is getting along and quiet. It smells like dookie in here.

My heartburn is raging from all the eating and drinking I did on the cruise. I’m so scared to weigh myself. Even my fat pants don’t fit anymore. I’m so glad I recently bought black stretch pants I can wear to work 🙌

It really was a wonderful trip but it wasn’t perfect – nothing ever is, no matter how good it looks on social media. I was people-watching on the cruise. The only people I saw who looked truly ecstatic were the kids. All the parents looked like me & PJ – happy but a little tired, sometimes annoyed at their kids. Some looked downright miserable. One guy was screaming at his kid on the wild rapids ride at The Atlantis. I tried to sympathize, but even I wouldn’t scream at my kids like that (not in public anyway). I found out later from PJ that he yelled at him the entire way down the river.

It all had me wondering how many people were going to post about their vacations on social media and say how absolutely perfect, completely magical, and how utterly blessed they were and how their kids didn’t have one single meltdown or fight the entire time.

I think you’ve heard enough. I need to take over the radio now because PJ just changed the station from Dr. Dre and Tupac’s California Love to the Jimmy Buffet station (yes it’s programmed in 🙄). How am I even married to him? Oh no, he just said “Ooh more STP!”