Oooh I bet that got your attention didn’t it? Well I’m actually referring to the song by the wonderful, boody-shaking George Michael. You know, the song that came out in 1987. When I was a doofy, bucktoothed, mulleted 10-year-old, singing at the top of my lungs with my even doofier bucktoothed, tightly-permed sister who was 12. (Teara is older than me. I’d just like to point that out.)

Yes it was controversial. I remember George had to put a disclaimer at the beginning of the song stating that it was about monogamy. I guess that was because all the moms were probably freaking out about their doofy kids yelling about ONE-ON-ONE sex, I don’t know. I didn’t even really know what sex was yet. And I had absolutely no clue what monogamy meant. It was around that time that my mom gave me a book with drawings of these blobby naked cartoon people laying on top of each other. I remember reading it in the backseat of her red Buick and asking “What’s a pen-is?” “What’s a vag-in-a?” Haha I just realized if Lol (my mom, short for Lolly, short for Loretta) had to give me a book to tell me about sex, she certainly didn’t want me talking about penises and vaginas out loud and on the way to Girl Scouts 😂😂😂

Oh, and my disclaimer about not knowing what a penis or a vagina was at 10 is because in my family we call penises dicky-birds and vaginas bacalas. My cousin went to a girlfriend’s house one Christmas and they asked if he wanted some bacala (it’s a fish) and he could hardly contain himself 😂

Around this time, I think even younger, I was wearing crucifixes as necklaces and fashioned a belt buckle out of paper with the words “BOY TOY” on it because I wanted to look like my idol Madonna. I don’t remember Lol having a problem with this either but probably because she was too busy cooking in all of her waking hours. I most likely showed off my Boy Toy belt and her bra outside my shirt and got a, “That’s nice.” as she continued stirring the sauce for the meatballs and macaroni.

I’m not knocking her, I don’t remember any moms caring about that stuff. And all my other Madonna worshipping friends turned out fine too.

People are freaking the hell out over J.Lo and Shakira. Who cares? If you didn’t like it, and don’t think your kids should see something like that, cool – talk to them about it and then don’t let them watch the halftime show ever again. Because I assure you, they will do something more salacious next year to keep your attention and have everyone talking about it days later. It’s Marketing 101. All publicity is good publicity.

If you loved it and found it empowering? Cool. I would’ve loved it too when I was 10, just like I loved Samantha Fox in her cut-off shorts on the cover of my 45 of “Touch Me (I want to feel your body.)” Lol was probably more pissed that I ruined a pair of jeans by cutting them up to my crotch.

The point is, my Mother is the crown jewel of mothers and she didn’t freak out about things like this. There wasn’t really any way to keep me from it, even at 10 and even without MTV (because she wouldn’t get me cable even though I begged for it every single day of my life.)

Everyone just needs to chill and stop feeding the monster!!!!

P.S. As mentioned previously in this blog, Shakira is the hottest thing ever and there’s no telling what I would do to have her bod. I mean, I could probably exercise and eat right, but ughhhh it’s so harrrrdddd 😫!!!!