My official New Year’s resolution was to lose 5 lbs. but I seriously cannot stop eating. I think I was secretly hypnotized because every time I tell myself not eat, that pesky voice in my head says, “Haha try it you weak fool! Hahaaaa! Twinkies.”

You probably think I’m exaggerating but this is what I ate yesterday:

I started out healthful with avocado, tomato, and a drizzle of EVOO on whole grain toast. Of course my eldest eating machine comes along and I know what he wants but I fake ignorance until he finally asks, “Can I have some?” Ugh.

Like Joey Tribbianni:

TIFFY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD!!

But how do you say no to your child? I mean, I usually do when it comes to food but yesterday he was being extra sweet. I would’ve just made him his own but there was only one stupid avocado, so I reluctantly gave him half of a half. Don’t judge, he’d already eaten and I was starvinggg.

About a 1/2 hour later we’re at the orthodontist, which sounds like the last thing anyone wants to do, right? Well my son’s orthodontist has massage chairs, plays Post Malone throughout the office, and has … wait for it … fresh baked cookies. So there I am waiting … and the cookies start whispering to me, “Hi Tiffyyyy … remember how good we tasted last time???”

I purposely sat as far away from them as I could, but they kept taunting me. “Eat meee … eat meeee….” (Yes I’m laughing as I type this, naughty naughty.)

“No! I just had a healthy breakfast, stop it!”

“Eat a coookieee…”

“No, it’s early in the morning! I do not need a cookie!”

“Eat a coooo..”

“OK!”

Next up, it’s become a tradition to pick up McDonald’s after these appointments. I could’ve refrained from getting something for myself because my belly was full of avocado toast and cookies, but no, I got a hamburger and large fry. I was impressed with myself for resisting a Big Mac.

*note: anyone giving me side eye for my love of McDonald’s, stop now. I don’t smoke, I barely consume alcohol, water is my beverage of choice, and I don’t do drugs. I do not care that after 75 years a McDonald’s French fry won’t grow mold, they’re delicious and you’ll never convince me otherwise.

Later, when I got home from work, I think my body was trying to tell me something because I was craving raw broccoli and ate almost a whole container of it and a few onion rings (which btw – freezer section Nathan’s in the air fryer – you’re welcome.)

I wasn’t done yet. For dinner I had Shrimp flavor Ramen noodles, or as I affectionately call them, Rahmey Noodies. I even have a Rahmey Noodie dance if you ever want to see it. It’s pretty cool.

To top off my excessively gluttonous day, and to fully enjoy the Jeopardy! G.O.A.T. tournament, (Go James Holzhauer ❤️) I made myself hot cocoa with the yummy little dehydrated marshmallows, not with water but with milk (if you make it with water, blech, why even bother?), Reddi-Wip, and a full friggin Hershey bar to dip, all while popping coconut Oreo thins while waiting for the milk to heat up.

So now it’s 3:30am and my salt laden, puffy body hates me. When I get up for work I’ll put on one of the 3 pair of pants that fit me and curse myself.

I’m hoping that since I’ve written this all down and publicly shamed myself that I’ll be able to reign it in. I’m really going to try this time, but then again, Twinkies.