On any given day you can find an article telling you how the technology of today is ruining our yutes. What is a yute? You know, a yute. (Sorry, I fell into the courtroom scene from My Cousin Vinnie which is sure to happen whenever the word youth is mentioned. Back to articles about the YOUTHS of today being ruined…) So these articles state that iPads, TV, video games, what have you, is going to be the downfall of our future generations; but let me tell you, if I survived this singular F-ed up phenomena among the array of F-ed up things that came out of ‘80s, our next generation will be just fine.

I’m talking about the horror show disguised as a wholesome gift given to the masses by television executives, the salacious soap opera set in a dusty old town with horse-drawn wagons, the “family-friendly” show that I plopped down on my couch to watch everyday in re-runs while my mom was making dinner, you guessed it:

Little House on the Prairie.

I can hear you diehard Ingalls fans out there already “B-b-but Pa! Half-pint! How dare you!”

As Pa would say – Now hear me out.

This is a list of the straight up insane Little House on the Prairie storylines that truly could have scarred me for life (in no particular order):

– When Nellie was in a wheelchair and Laura rolled her all the way up the hill to release her down the hill. I know Nellie was faking paralysis and she deserved punishment but those are premeditated manslaughter charges right there.

– When Albert stole Doc Baker’s morphine and became addicted. That scene where he’s detoxing in bed and his legs shake uncontrollably still pops into my mind at random times for absolutely no reason other than to freak the bejeezus out of me.

– Hi, anyone remember when they introduced a new character, Sylvia, just to have her get chased up a ladder in a barn and get raped by a person who wore a creepy doll mask??? What the actual fuck?

– The crazy 2-parter where Laura goes to the mountain and I think she’s supposed to have met Jesus or maybe she drank some bad water and was hallucinating from Legionnaires disease, I don’t know. That episode is foggy because I watched it once and thought it was so long and boring that I’d switch to Webster or whatever else was on whenever it was thrown into the rotation.

– Um, they shared bath water and had 1 dress each. And Pa would wash up after working on the ranch all day by splashing some communal tub water on his face and then sitting down to supper. Gross.

– MARY WENT BLIND BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T WANT TO WEAR GLASSES AND HID THEM IN A LOG. (I’m screaming for all the poor glasses-wearing kids out there who were petrified that they’d go blind if they ever took them off!!) Although back then I was fascinated by this storyline and clearly remember walking around my school cafeteria in 3rd grade touching things as if I were blind and wondering if I was fooling anyone into thinking I was. (Maybe the show did mess me up more than I thought.)

* edit – Mary didn’t go blind from not wearing glasses, it was the result of Scarlet Fever, still frightening.

– The Halloween episode when Nels Olson cuts off Harriet Olson’s head but it was really a mannequin.

Ha. Ha.

I had nightmares for weeks.

– When they replaced Nellie with Nancy as if replacing siblings with other kids who looked like them was no biggie. “Hey Tiffy, here’s your new sister Terry!” (In real life her name is Tara, but Terry/Tara, same thing. Barely notice.)

– “Ma and Pa, I’d like you to meet my boyfriend who’s 20 years older than me. His name is Almonzo but I call him Manly. I’m going to wear my hair in a bun now instead of braids so people don’t realize I’m only 14.”

– An explosion at the house for the blind cured Mary’s blindness but left her hot husband Adam still blind. This caused quite a rift in their marriage. I don’t remember what ever became of their life together because by then the episodes were so dumb that I stopped watching.

* edit – Hot Adam regained his vision from the explosion, not Mary. Mary remained blind and their baby also died in a fire.

So the next time you read one of those “THE NEXT GENERATION IS DOOMED!” articles, think to yourself: If Tiffy watched LHOTP religiously and came out (somewhat) unscathed and not a homicidal, drug-addicted, dirty, hallucinating, sick practical joker, future generations will be just fine.